Ten changes the newly elected SA government may make

  1. Creation of the Ministry of Religion. Since the church proved so helpful during the election campaign, and Zuma declared that “…god is on their side…,” government has decided to show their appreciation by creating a Ministry of Religion and will immediately declare Ray McCauley as Minister of Religious Affairs. Look forward to a one tenth taxation of your one tenth tithe.
  2. All criminal courts to be disbanded. These courts are pretty ineffective anyway. Henceforth, the National Prosecuting Authority will be expanded, and all decisions concerning criminal cases will be made with ruthless efficiency by this directorate. Moketedi Mpshe is to be appointed with immediate effect as Chief Judge and Executioner (CJE). All cases currently against corrupt government officials will be suspended. One of the benefits of this change will be that all the money saved in trying to prosecute corrupt civil servants, will be made immediately available again for “redistribution” to other corrupt government officials who may not have fed properly at the trough, the first time around.
  3. The creation of The Reward Fund as the official Recognition and Reward system of government. This fund which will be introduced at the next annual budget meeting of parliament, will become the vehicle through which gross incompetence, mismanagement, plain laziness and general ineptitude by civil servants, is rewarded and encouraged. As you know, if a government functions (especially in Africa), then something is drastically wrong. To combat this undesirable outcome in government, civil servants who display the above-mentioned characteristics should be rewarded, and the public should be glad to pay for it, too. Any individuals outside of government, who assist (financially or otherwise) in key events such as election campaigns, will be rewarded with government positions (which may of necessity have to be made up or created for no real reason), so that they too can eventually benefit from the The Reward Fund.
  4. Public flogging to be re-introduced.  We all know how South Africa loves violence and what better way to help our slide back into medieval times, than by reviving public floggings. And unfortunately, the first victim has to be ex-president Thabo Mbeki. Since ANC Youth League (ANCYL) president, Julius Malema so eloquently pointed out in a letter (apparently) that Mbeki was the real villain in South African politics, the ruling government has no option but to publicly deter such behaviour through routine floggings. All opponents of the government, beware the pen of Malema, and the whip of Zuma.
  5. Cape Town will be renamed the Mother (fuck’n) City. As you know, the Western Cape, all but whipped the ANC’s ass in the recent elections, and this will not sit well with the overall winners. So expect President of Cape Town, Hellen Zille to be increasingly ostracised by the ruling government of the greater South Africa. And watch closely, as the government may decide to take further punitive measures against Cape Town, by relocating Parliament to Houghton, or heaven forbid, the Rhema Bible Church near Randburg.
  6. A re-distribution counter for hard drugs will be opened at all police stations across the country. The main aim of this counter will be to re-distribute, at competitive prices, all the illegal hard drug shipments that are confiscated at our main airports on a weekly basis. The benefits of this initiative are two-fold; the first will be to put all legitimate drug dealers out of business, so that the police can have more time to expand the distribution business, and fill vacant posts in the VIP Protection Unit (which as I will explain later, is going to become very important), and the second will be that as more of the citizens of this country become dopers, the government will have less to worry about in terms of interference with the way they run government.
  7. The State Tender Board will be dissolved and reformed as The Tender Loving Care Board. This board will be responsible to ensure that all state tenders are awarded to rich non-white businesses, who have solid track records of having previously benefited from a state tender and/or have in some way contributed in getting the government re-elected to power. As soon as it is reasonably safe to declare Schabir Shaik miraculously cured of the mystery illness that got him released from prison, he will be appointed to head this board. The key benefit of this initiative will be to ensure that the rich get richer, and the vast majority who are poor remain as wretched as ever, and thus maintain their status as common voting fodder. As any politician knows, it is easier to convince the poor to vote for you with rich promises.
  8. Foreign advisory appointments to key government positions. Robert Mugabe will be appointed as President Zuma’s chief virtual political adviser. Mugabe’s main role will be to advise Zuma on how to hang onto power, especially as he ages closer to the 70’s and beyond. Similarly, Mugabe’s wife, Grace will be appointed as chief fashion adviser to Zuma’s harem. She will be responsible to advise Zuma’s mulitple wives on fashion sense and how to spend taxpayers money on extravagant shopping sprees, overseas.
  9. Other key government appointments. Trevor Manuel will be moved to another ministry or commission, as his reputation as a tightwad will not suit the free-spending Zuma that much. Nkosazana Dlamini-Zuma will be redeployed from the foreign ministry where she did a great job at keeping the old dictators and despots club together, to the Home Affairs ministry where she can presumably assist with legislation to make SA a haven for ousted foreign despots and other criminals. Julius Malema will be rewarded for his loyalty by being appointed to head the newly formed Media Watchdog Committee, where he will try his level best to stymie press freedom and monitor adverts that parody the government. Manto Tshabalala- Msimang, former Minister of Health will be given a diplomatic post to Outer Mongolia where she can quietly pass her days swigging whatever passes for alcohol there, while contemplating the mess she made with the Health Ministry.
  10. And the best for last. As soon as Jacob Zuma is sworn in as President of SA, a law will be passed making the extreme right-hand lane of all major roads (mostly freeways and highways), the VIP Lane. This lane will be reserved for National and Provincial Ministers, MP’s and Provincial Legislature big-shots, so that they can race along with ease in their VIP protected blue-light flashing, motorcades. This will be done solely because the government has the safety of the motoring public at heart; by outlawing motorists from this lane, VIP Protection officers don’t have to shoot any more innocent motorists. As I mentioned earlier, this initiative will create advancement opportunities for many police officers. And since ordinary motorists will be confined to the center and left lanes only, taxis can now legally make exclusive use of the yellow barrier lane and even the pavements, which they used illegally (and with gay abandon) in the past. Pedestrians, I’m afraid will have to take their chances, just as we motorists have had to in the past, with both taxis and VIP convoys.

The above is a parody of government and is not to be taken seriously…if you cross your fingers…

The New President’s Men

Kgalema Motlanthe has been elected as the new President of South Africa, replacing Thabo Mbeki (until the next general elections at least), and he has chosen his new cabinet:

some old,
some new,
some boring,
some destined to flounder in the stew
Thankfully, Trevor Manuel has been retained as Minister of Finance. He certainly deserves the confidence shown in him. A breath of fresh air has been injected into the cabinet in the form of Barbara Hogan, new Minister of Health and Mohamed Surty, Minister of Justice and Constitutional Development. However, some tired and boring old stooges remain, viz. Jeff Radebe, Minister of the non-existent Transport system, Ivy Matsepe-Casaburri, Minister of (mis)Communications, Naledi Pandor, Minister of (un)Educated kids, and Aziz Pahad, Deputy Minister of sqeeking voices and interminably dull speeches about matters foreign to international affairs.
But the most frightening appointment in President Motlanthe’s cabinet, is the retention (pun intended) of none other than Manto Tshabalala-Msimang, in the new position of Minister in the Presidency, vacated by Thabo’s rottweiler, Essop Pahad. I know, many people are stunned, flabbergasted even. However, the deed is done, and I reckon we have to look at the bright side: the arrogant Essop is now a fable and Manto will no longer embarrass South Africa by making asinine statements about HIV and AIDS and spreading misinformation about beetroots. Indeed, Manto can look forward to an albeit short career, as Motlanthe’s rottweiler in the Presidency, and spreading rabies instead.

Not All the President’s Men

While I was watching Manchester United battle it out with Chelsea on Sunday, Thabo Mbeki was preparing to throw in the towel. When he announced his resignation as President on Sunday evening, I think it caught many South Africans by surprise; perhaps even those like Julius Malema, (puppet-on-a-string) President of the ANC Youth League (ANCYL), one of the chief agitators for Mbeki’s ousting.

And today, nearly the rest of Mbeki’s cabinet followed suite, but not quite. The cabinet Ministers and Deputy Ministers, including the Deputy President that resigned in quick succession, were clearly his closest supporters and hand-picked henchmen (and women). What has raised my eyebrows however is the resignation of one Minister who said he wouldn’t, and those that chickened out or chose not to resign, not for the moment anyway.

Lets take a closer look at the President’s men who are no more. Of this lot, I’ll be truly happy to see the last of Essop Pahad, Minister in the Presidency; a really rude, unpleasant and arrogant man, described by Andrew Feinstein in his book “After the Party” as the “President’s rottweiler.” Good riddance also to Essop’s brother, Aziz Pahad, Deputy Minister of Foreign Affairs, whose irritating voice (always sounded like someone was squeezing his jewels) could drive one quite mad. Also good to see going at last, is Alec Erwin, Public Enterprises Minister whose mismanagement and repeated lies in the Eskom Power debacle did not endure him to the public at large. If Ngconde Balfour and Loretta Jacobus, Minister and Deputy for Correctional Services did not resign, they should have been fired instead, for presiding over leaking jails and general maladministration of prison services. Not too much good could be said for the rest of the ship-jumpers; only Finance Minister Trevor Manuel stands out for the good work put into his Ministry which resulted in good economic growth and stability over a sustained period of time.

Back to what bothers me the most. The one person who has not resigned, but should have been canned a long time ago for gross incompetence is none other than the Minister of Alternative Medicine, the beetroot-loving, alcohol-soaked, Manto Tshabalala-Msimang. Why this pathetic disgrace to the country still clings onto her position as a Minister after being repeatedly discredited, is a mystery. Could only be the perks of the job, one of which probably entitles her to being placed first on the liver transplant recipient list.