Zuminating the shit we’re in


While addressing a gathering of the World Economic Forum (WEF) in Cape Town yesterday, President, Jacob Zuma regaled the gathering with how effective South Africa was at fighting corruption.

Zuma told this apparently unenlightened team of world leaders that his government had put in place institutions of graft-busting that were unbelievably non-existent during the apartheid era. Shocked members of the WEF were then led into a further secret:

There is a feeling that taxpayers’ money cannot be taken by other people. No matter if you are big or small, if there is a problem we have a structure to look at it.

Then in a moment of amazing candour the miscreant President revealed how he had valiantly hand-picked a team of ruthless investigators from his own cabinet and party to investigate the allegations of corruption against him. Unsurprisingly he was cleared.

Citizens of the country listening to Zuma’s address and reading about it later, were horrified, not because he was vindicated by this thorough team of investigators, but because the President had the audacity to take a gathering of international leaders for the fools he takes his own flock. Once again Zuma had shown not only his own countrymen the middle finger, but the rest of the world as well.

Eh eh eh eh eh…

Update: Found a recording of the WEF address by Jacob Zuma. Don’t you think Schwab, to the right of Zuma, is trying very hard to keep a straight face? The rest of us couldn’t.

You've met SA's Police Disservice, now let me introduce you to SA's Public Disservice and Maladministration Ministry

Richard Baloyi is the man at the helm of South Africa’s Ministry of Public Disservice and Maladministration.

This department like so many others festering under President Jacob Zuma’s presidency, has a history of covering themselves in the splendour of incompetence and corruption which are coveted ideals in liberated South Africa.

Following the disclosures of wasteful and possibly fraudulent expenditure of state funds by the Minister of Co-operative Governance and Traditional Affairs Sicelo Shiceka [a department which supposedly cooperates in upholding the coveted traditional ideals of incompetence and corruption it seems], the Department of Public Disservice and Maladministration were adamant in their refusal to reveal to the public the guidelines on Ministerial expenditure which they insist is classified or TOP SECRET.

Indeed, they were furious when the Mail & Guardian obtained a copy of this TOP SECRET document otherwise known as the Ministerial Handbook, and published it online.

If you’re wondering why a guideline on expenditure of taxpayers money is CLASSIFIED in a democratic country, then you’re like me also wondering what else is CLASSIFIED that should be public knowledge. And I’ll bet you also now know why the government is trying to push through further legislation such as the ridiculous Protection of Information Bill, to make the veil of secrecy water-tight.

Hopefully more departments like Public Disservice and Maladministration FAIL in their mandate to uphold CORRUPTION and defraud the public.

The ANC’s hot summer act

I’m sure you’ve all by now, had a preview of the African National Circus’s (ANC’s) sizzling hot three-ring reshuffle. This amazing two-step back, half-step forward act, has left us with some memorable imagery. In case you’d like to keep them for posterity; that is if you’d like to compare notes when some infamous biographies are released in the not too distant future, here they are:

  • When in charge of a floundering ship, re-arrange the deck chairs. It helps to divert attention away from the water surging in through the gaping holes in your bow. It doesn’t hurt trying to fool all of the people, all of the time.
  • When your management team have fucked things up almost beyond repair, hire more incompetent sods to finish the job. It might just work throwing more shit at the problem.
  • Send a clear but spineless message to all your detractors; have patience, your turn will come to pig out at the trough. Don’t worry about the few we’re ditching. Sometimes it’s necessary to throw out the baby with the bath water. Circus logic is unrivaled; the ANC mantra being ditch a few to create more space in the queue.
  • The taxpayers will see to it that those who did not perform, and now find themselves out in the cold, will be well-looked after. The taxpayers are always most gracious and generous, and can be easily coerced into forking out more.
  • The new performers in this circus act, will be required to sign performance contracts; which will finally be drawn up when it is time for them to make way for their successors, waiting in the wings to pig out at the trough.
  • The ring leader will come out smelling like roses, until the shit he threw at the problem, finally reaches that giant fan which is blowing a hypnotic breeze across the country.

Now if I’m way off the mark, you’ll all be so happy, you’ll have forgotten I wrote this…