The End of the World is at hand….again!

Yes folks, the end is nigh…again! According to Harold Camping, President of familyradio.com, May 21, 2011 “will be the date of the Rapture and the day of Judgement.”

This crackpot previously predicted that the Rapture was going to occur on September 6, 1994, but when Jesus failed to appear, the former civil engineer claimed to have made an error in his calculations. Meanwhile another crackpot religious organization, WeCanKnow.com claims that after the May 21 Rapture, god will destroy this world and those who presumably didn’t meet the Rapture criteria, with it.

Personally I don’t picture Zuma and the ANC running to Pastor Ray McCauley demanding a refund for having their “rule until Jesus returns” cut short. But you never know; some in the ANC are that conceited. I do however see certain people taking advantage of this impending imaginary disaster to make a one time offer to the ignorant to purchase Power Balance armbands in preparation for a balanced judgement at the Rapture.

The only certainty is that religious crazies are going to continue to make claims for the end of the world until the sun implodes or said religious crazies start a nuclear war, or something else totally natural [or unnatural] causes us to go extinct.

Media Appeals Tribunal – What would Churchill have said?

In spite of the overwhelming opposition to the implementation of the absurd Media Appeals Tribunal (MAT), it seems quite certain that the South African government intends pushing on with its dastardly plan to snuff out free speech.

President Jacob Zuma, quite apparently hurt by constant media reports on his philandering habits and questionable abilities to lead, defended his government’s (read ANC’s) plans to implement MAT before parliament last week, saying “It’s not fair…” and “…a lot of pain has been caused…” Oh, how pathetic was that. 

And off course, we did not fail to recognise the disingenuous manner in which he tried to paint a picture which made it seem that the reporting was affecting mostly “poor people” who were defenceless in the face of the media onslaught. Come come, Mr. Zuma, the only time the media reports negatively on poor defenceless people, is when for example some idiot donates his monthly insurance premium to Ray Mcauley’s Rhema Church. Ordinary people are hardly affected by media expose’s; its public figures such as yourself and off course anyone else who willfully abuses the trust of the electorate.

Incidently, Zuma also went on to state that the ANC would not suppress press freedom, which sounded eerily like some of the unfulfilled election promises he made, prior to becoming President. Really Mr. Zuma, the uneducated masses, still drunk on freedom from Apartheid, and hooked by the personality cult that became effective since your term of office commenced, may fall for that; but not the rest of us.

Today, while reading an excellent article titled Betraying the revolution in the Mail & Gaurdian by author Kole Omotoso, I was reminded of the most inspiring segment of that famous speech by Winston Churchill during the Second World War, which went on to inspire victory by the Allies:

We shall fight on the beaches, we shall fight on the landing grounds, we shall fight in the fields and in the streets, we shall fight in the hills; we shall never surrender,…

This speech was given on the 4th of June 1940, but Churchill also gave another speech earlier, on the 13th of May which I believe should inspire us South Africans to fight the government, tooth and nail, on this (MAT) and other draconian laws that they intend promulgating:

We have before us an ordeal of the most grievous kind. We have before us many, many long months of struggle and of suffering. You ask, what is our policy? I will say: It is to wage war, by sea, land and air, with all our might and with all the strength that God can give us; to wage war against a monstrous tyranny never surpassed in the dark, lamentable catalogue of human crime. That is our policy. You ask, what is our aim? I can answer in one word: It is victory, victory at all costs, victory in spite of all terror, victory, however long and hard the road may be.

The fight Mr President? Believe it, it is here!!!

The Power of Prayer Part 3: Surgery before bended knee

I heard about a woman this morning, who was given three days to live by the doctors. That was four days ago. Everyone she knows (who is religious that is) has apparently been praying feverishly for her to get better.

This morning those who know her are claiming a victory for prayer because she has survived one day more than the doctors gave her. I know that it must be a great relief for her family and friends, and as much as I hope that she will defy the prognosis and hang onto life for as long as possible, my rational self tells me that it is unlikely. The doctors are invariably correct in their prognosis when it comes to terminal illness, even if they are not accurate to within days of predicting life expectancy.

Unfortunately for all her family and friends whose anguish has been temporarily assuaged, their belief that prayer had anything to do with it, is hugely misplaced. I suppose one can’t really blame them for grasping onto any straw that presents itself, given their religious inclinations. I know that when the inevitable does eventually occur, they will forget about the prayer vigils and ascribe it to either god’s mercy in ending suffering, or conclude nonchalantly that “it was her time to go.” Such is the flexibility of religious piety.

I also read this afternoon that Ray McCauley, founder and chief pastor of the Rhema Church in South Africa, had heart surgery yesterday. Not surprisingly the church leadership “asks the Christian community and other faith communities to pray for his speedy recovery.” Luckily sanity prevailed when Ray chose surgery, rather than leave it to the faith community to pray him out of trouble. Off course, his recovery will be speedy, since science made it possible, but the faith community will claim a victory for prayer; such is the nature of religious opportunism.

I am sure that Ray will return to the pulpit after recovering, decrying the evils of science, while punting the power of prayer and faith. For him at least all will be well for some time to come; not so for the poor women who was given a few days to live…

Ten changes the newly elected SA government may make

1. Creation of the Ministry of Religion. Since the church proved so helpful during the election campaign, and Zuma declared that “…god is on their side…,” government has decided to show their appreciation by creating a Ministry of Religion and will immediately declare Ray McCauley as Minister of Religious Affairs. Look forward to a one tenth taxation of your one tenth tithe.
2. All criminal courts to be disbanded. These courts are pretty ineffective anyway. Henceforth, the National Prosecuting Authority will be expanded, and all decisions concerning criminal cases will be made with ruthless efficiency by this directorate. Moketedi Mpshe is to be appointed with immediate effect as Chief Judge and Executioner (CJE). All cases currently against corrupt government officials will be suspended. One of the benefits of this change will be that all the money saved in trying to prosecute corrupt civil servants, will be made immediately available again for “redistribution” to other corrupt government officials who may not have fed properly at the trough, the first time around.
3. The creation of The Reward Fund as the official Recognition and Reward system of government. This fund which will be introduced at the next annual budget meeting of parliament, will become the vehicle through which gross incompetence, mismanagement, plain laziness and general ineptitude by civil servants, is rewarded and encouraged. As you know, if a government functions (especially in Africa), then something is drastically wrong. To combat this undesirable outcome in government, civil servants who display the above-mentioned characteristics should be rewarded, and the public should be glad to pay for it, too. Any individuals outside of government, who assist (financially or otherwise) in key events such as election campaigns, will be rewarded with government positions (which may of necessity have to be made up or created for no real reason), so that they too can eventually benefit from the The Reward Fund.
4. Public flogging to be re-introduced.  We all know how South Africa loves violence and what better way to help our slide back into medieval times, than by reviving public floggings. And unfortunately, the first victim has to be ex-president Thabo Mbeki. Since ANC Youth League (ANCYL) president, Julius Malema so eloquently pointed out in a letter (apparently) that Mbeki was the real villain in South African politics, the ruling government has no option but to publicly deter such behaviour through routine floggings. All opponents of the government, beware the pen of Malema, and the whip of Zuma.
5. Cape Town will be renamed the Mother (fuck’n) City. As you know, the Western Cape, all but whipped the ANC’s ass in the recent elections, and this will not sit well with the overall winners. So expect President of Cape Town, Hellen Zille to be increasingly ostracised by the ruling government of the greater South Africa. And watch closely, as the government may decide to take further punitive measures against Cape Town, by relocating Parliament to Houghton, or heaven forbid, the Rhema Bible Church near Randburg.
6. A re-distribution counter for hard drugs will be opened at all police stations across the country. The main aim of this counter will be to re-distribute, at competitive prices, all the illegal hard drug shipments that are confiscated at our main airports on a weekly basis. The benefits of this initiative are two-fold; the first will be to put all legitimate drug dealers out of business, so that the police can have more time to expand the distribution business, and fill vacant posts in the VIP Protection Unit (which as I will explain later, is going to become very important), and the second will be that as more of the citizens of this country become dopers, the government will have less to worry about in terms of interference with the way they run government.
7. The State Tender Board will be dissolved and reformed as The Tender Loving Care Board. This board will be responsible to ensure that all state tenders are awarded to rich non-white businesses, who have solid track records of having previously benefited from a state tender and/or have in some way contributed in getting the government re-elected to power. As soon as it is reasonably safe to declare Schabir Shaik miraculously cured of the mystery illness that got him released from prison, he will be appointed to head this board. The key benefit of this initiative will be to ensure that the rich get richer, and the vast majority who are poor remain as wretched as ever, and thus maintain their status as common voting fodder. As any politician knows, it is easier to convince the poor to vote for you with rich promises.
8. Foreign advisory appointments to key government positions. Robert Mugabe will be appointed as President Zuma’s chief virtual political adviser. Mugabe’s main role will be to advise Zuma on how to hang onto power, especially as he ages closer to the 70’s and beyond. Similarly, Mugabe’s wife, Grace will be appointed as chief fashion adviser to Zuma’s harem. She will be responsible to advise Zuma’s mulitple wives on fashion sense and how to spend taxpayers money on extravagant shopping sprees, overseas.
9. Other key government appointments. Trevor Manuel will be moved to another ministry or commission, as his reputation as a tightwad will not suit the free-spending Zuma that much. Nkosazana Dlamini-Zuma will be redeployed from the foreign ministry where she did a great job at keeping the old dictators and despots club together, to the Home Affairs ministry where she can presumably assist with legislation to make SA a haven for ousted foreign despots and other criminals. Julius Malema will be rewarded for his loyalty by being appointed to head the newly formed Media Watchdog Committee, where he will try his level best to stymie press freedom and monitor adverts that parody the government. Manto Tshabalala- Msimang, former Minister of Health will be given a diplomatic post to Outer Mongolia where she can quietly pass her days swigging whatever passes for alcohol there, while contemplating the mess she made with the Health Ministry.
10. And the best for last. As soon as Jacob Zuma is sworn in as President of SA, a law will be passed making the extreme right-hand lane of all major roads (mostly freeways and highways), the VIP Lane. This lane will be reserved for National and Provincial Ministers, MP’s and Provincial Legislature big-shots, so that they can race along with ease in their VIP protected blue-light flashing, motorcades. This will be done solely because the government has the safety of the motoring public at heart; by outlawing motorists from this lane, VIP Protection officers don’t have to shoot any more innocent motorists. As I mentioned earlier, this initiative will create advancement opportunities for many police officers. And since ordinary motorists will be confined to the center and left lanes only, taxis can now legally make exclusive use of the yellow barrier lane and even the pavements, which they used illegally (and with gay abandon) in the past. Pedestrians, I’m afraid will have to take their chances, just as we motorists have had to in the past, with both taxis and VIP convoys.

The above is a parody of government and is not to be taken seriously…if you cross your fingers…