If you’ve got murder on your mind, come to South Africa

Hmmm. I’ve just read that our Tourism Minister, wants to promote South Africa as a great destination for shipping cruises. May I suggest (dis)honourable Minister, that we’ll make more money promoting this country as the ultimate murder destination.

Yes, that’s right. If you’re thinking of knocking off someone, bring or lure them here. You will not find a more beautiful, accessible, murder-friendly destination in the world. Forget about Mexico, Afghanistan or Iraq; you need to do the deed without having to worry about getting knocked off yourself.

Your chances of getting caught are pretty slim; the incompetence of our police (dis)service is legendary. They’re however quite good at forming blue-light flashing, motorised convoys to escort our self-important, fat-arsed politicians around at break-neck speed on our soon-to-be open-tolled roads, forcing tax-paying citizens out of the way. That, and turning a blind eye to the looting of the treasury by our elected (sigh!) politicians.

However, you need to take cognizance of the following to ensure that your chances of being arrested are eliminated or minimised:

• Don’t plan your murder or hit in any area that is run by a competent Provincial Administration; that is to say, don’t do it in the Cape Province. Rather select any one of the other corrupt ANC-governed Provinces. Polokwane and the Eastern Cape are a good bet.
• Don’t hire shifty, good-for-nothing mini-bus taxi drivers as part of your hit squad. They’re likely to get caught after boasting about it in the local township shebeen (unofficial bar, to you foreigners). Don’t hire drug-peddling Nigerians either; they’re just good at extortion, fraud and peddling drugs off course. Don’t approach any of our politicians either; they may like stealing, and don’t give a hoot about crime, but I don’t think they’ll be party to murder.
• Don’t ask that cougar from Pretoria, who planned a hit on her rugby-playing boyfriend or anyone on honeymoon, for advice.

Now that you’re all set to get away with murder, please consider first spending some of your Euros and Dollars on normal touristy things; even visit some of our idle World Cup stadiums, or take a cruise. We could sure do with the money, and so could our politicians.

It’s full-time at the FIFA Confederations Cup: USA vs Egypt

Some journalist I’m turning out to be. While posting my half-time report (which lasted well into the second half of the game), I missed two additional goals scored by the USA. So much for predicting that Egypt would equalize.

The final score here at the Royal Bafokeng Stadium, USA vs Egypt is three goals to nil. While I was typing the previous line, I’ve just been handed two Game Statistics printouts by one of the many Volunteers who man the Media Centre; one for this match and one for the other match that was played concurrently at the Loftus Stadium in Pretoria between Italy and Brazil, which Brazil also won by three goals to nothing.

These statistics printouts contain a dizzying array of information on various aspects of the matches played. There are statistics on everything from Shots on Goal to Ball Possession to the Fouls Committed by each player to Match Time each player spent on the pitch. I’m not sure who would want such information, but a big up to FIFA for collating and making such information available to journalists. This certainly makes their jobs that much easier.

I could quote a whole string of statistics on the match from these reports, but I’m not going to bore you any further. There was a clear winner, and for that team’s fans, that’s all that matters.