Say, what? #1

I’m starting a new series on this blog which will basically interpret what certain people said, what they actually meant, what they should have said or what they are probably secretly thinking. Naturally, most of the subjects who will be analysed will be politicians and the clergy, not because they are the source of the most lies told, but because they do say some of the dumbest things you’re ever likely to hear.

For my first subject, I chose Jacob Zuma, President of South Africa. I will analyse the speech [full text here] he gave in Parliament today, in response to the well-deserved lambasting he received from almost everyone, over his State of the Nation Address he delivered last week.

Well, here we go:

We requested that this year’s State of the Nation Address coincide with the 20th anniversary of Madiba’s release.

We did this both to celebrate that historic moment and to pay tribute to his legacy as a leader, a revolutionary, and the founding President of our democratic state.

What he was secretly thinking was We did this to cash in on the limelight of a truly great leader (Mandela), one I (Zuma) don’t think I can ever emulate. Why must I always bask in the shadow of him?

Last year, when the State of the Nation Address was delivered at 11am, SABC 2 viewership was 1, 5 million and E TV viewership was 487 000.

This year the SABC2 viewership at 7pm, shot up to more than 2, 5 million and ETV rose to slightly more than 1, 3 million.

What he didn’t say was Thank you a-holes for wasting your evening listening to my boring drivel. I hope you will tune in again next year for the next installment of Promises and Lies. What he was secretly thinking was I hope those cameras don’t catch my ANC buddies dozing off here in Parliament while I drone on.

We have achieved a lot since 1994

What he was secretly thinking was You palookas should see our bank accounts? We’ve been cashing in since 1994.

Millions of our people have access to many basic services including water, housing, electricity, social security and others that they never had before.

What he forgot to add was Millions more don’t have basic services, but you know there is only so much you can do in 15 years… and we did have all those struggle comrades who had needs too…

However, we still have a lot of work to do, and we never hide this fact

What he was secretly thinking was Shit, I wish we had finished by now. I still need to enjoy the benefits of being a struggle hero, and all those wives…eish.

The debate on the State of the Nation Address has demonstrated the richness and diversity of political engagement in our society.

What he was actually saying was The State of the Nation Address has demonstrated that these people are cotttoning onto my pathetic lies and poor leadership qualities

We welcome the statement by Honourable Patricia De Lille, that the Independent Democrats are ready to roll up their sleeves and dirty their hands to work hard to build our country.

What he was secretly thinking was Because, we struggle heros in ANC are sure as hell not going to dirty our own well-manicured hands

Honourable Mike Ellis, there is no need for anyone to defend the President.

What he omitted to say was Because I have appointed my good buddies’ brother Mo Shaik as head of the Secret Service. He will ensure that I have Mo than enough protection. In fact, his acquaintances are already doing a good job beating up pedestrians who have the audacity to flip the bird at my speeding motorcade. Freedom of expression and state security do not mix. So sorry.

I knew exactly what I wanted to say in the State of the Nation Address, and I said it.

Actually what he meant was I knew exactly what I wanted to say, but that asshole spin-doctor who wrote my speech, got it all wrong. As soon as things calm down, I’m going to fire his ass.

The State of the Nation Address covered the new era we are entering as government.

This is an era of doing things differently, an era of ensuring that our work is determined by clear outcomes, and of increasing the pace and form of service delivery.

That is our new way of doing things.

What he actually meant was, We’re going to make more promises, and do even less, but we hope you won’t notice.

That is because we have not changed our priorities

Meaning We, the politicians will serve ourselves first, as always.

Drone, drone, drone, drone, yadddah, yaddah, yaddah, blah, blah, blah…and much later…

We said in the State of the Nation Address that we want South Africans to be safe and to feel safe.

We fully understand the feelings and views of South Africans about crime and corruption.

What he meant was We haven’t got the slightest clue how to ensure your safety, but we think understanding your feelings is the first step…

As Honourable Mbalula and Jeffery pointed out, we have a number of interventions in place to improve the functioning of the criminal justice system.

Such as appointing ANC-friendly people in key judiciary positions who will be sympathetic to our cadre’s indiscretions, while ensuring that the police will always serve the ruling party first, just like they did during Apartheid.

We are working on several initiatives to address corruption in government procurement.

What he didn’t say was But we hope they never get implemented because then our deployed cadres will have to find other sources of extra income.

The demand for water will only increase, and our sewage management infrastructure will come under strain as time goes on.

What he omitted to say was Because more and more shit is going to come out of Parliament.

At this point I’m not going to bother with the rest of his speech, as my head hurts from reading all the deceit…