Bring back Clarkson

Daddy didn’t give affection, no!
And the boy was something that mommy wouldn’t wear
King Jeremy The Wicked
Ruled his world

I love cars. Which is why I love Top Gear.

But I soon discovered that Top Gear is not all about cars. Oh no, it’s about Jeremy Clarkson. It’s not a one-man show, but his sidekicks Richard Hammond and James May, proficient though they are in their own right, are like the cars they feature, little more than beautiful (and did I say accomplished?) props.

Top Gear is almost all about Jeremy. Funny, irritating, laughing, teasing, politically incorrect, offensive, shameless, devilish Jeremy. There was a time the only reason I bothered to watch the telly, apart from sport off course, was because of Top Gear.

And now he’s in trouble again.

This time, suspended for allegedly throwing a punch at a BBC producer. The reason does not matter. Producers after all are supposed to serve gods actors food on time… and take a punch or two for the greater good.

There’s a litany of indiscretions that’s got him into trouble before, but the BBC knowing what a treasure he is, sensibly did not let those mundane distractions keep him off the box. But now it appears to be different. Two whole shows have been postponed. That’s pretty darned alarming.

So he’s alluded to truck drivers being murderers of prostitutes, and called former Prime Minister Gordon Brown a “one-eyed Scottish idiot.” So fucking what? I despise truck drivers who’s only mission in life seems to be to cause traffic chaos, and everyone knows Gordon Brown is an idiot. Surely we don’t need to be convinced.

But it’s also alleged that Clarkson has offended various race groups, nationalities and religious denominations around the world, including Mexicans, Argentinians, Asians, Muslims and Indians. Boo fucking hoo! People are just too darn sensitive.

Hey, I’m Indian (South African), and I was not at all offended by Clarkson’s remark about Indians being unsanitary. India is on my bucket list of places NEVER to visit, up there with Saudi Arabia (practically all of the Middle East actually), North Korea, Pakistan, Malaysia and 98% of Africa. No, not even when I’m dead and my atoms return to star-dust.

The guy’s a gifted comedian for fuck’s sake. The world needs more of them really badly.

Yes, there’s a much more selfish reason why Jeremy just has to come back. The Top Gear Live Show is scheduled to return to Johannesburg, South Africa in a couple of months, and I DO NOT want to miss that. It just won’t be the same. It would be Stuck In Gear.

The Vampire Diaries does not suck after all…

I started buying these DVD box sets a while ago. Initially, because of my utter delight with the antics of Jeremy Clarkson, Richard Hammond and James May, on the BBC production Top Gear, I bought everything I could find related to that series.

At the same time, I started collecting fascinating documentaries such as David Attenborough’s Life series and The Incredible Human Journey and British Comedy box sets such as Fawlty Towers, among other BBC productions. Then one day about a two months ago, I strayed into the TV drama section of my favorite DVD store, and came across Dexter, Season 1.

About the only thing I can bear to watch on television these days is sport, normally just football, rugby and the occasional game of cricket; recently I have been somewhat put off the game of  cricket with the introduction of that atrocious format of the game known as 20-20. I catch my movies on DVD, or in the cinema when first released, when I can summon up the will to share an auditorium with juvenile popcorn-mascerating delinquents.

I don’t watch drama series on television; I have over the years lost the necessary patience and discipline required to stick to a weekly viewing schedule. I did try with Prison Break, but I failed, and that was to my mind the most compelling television I had ever watched, until I found Dexter. I had heard the series being mentioned on a local radio station, and was intrigued, so that made the decision to buy, a little easier; and boy, am I glad I did.

The writers and producers of this series are pure genius; especially the writers. Visual entertainment allows us to escape our invariably dull real lives; it allows us to relate to the characters on-screen and  fantasize for a little while. In this particular case, Dexter, the anti-hero, even allows one to seriously re-examine the suffocating limits of morality; the extremist black and white limits set by religious bigotry can now be challenged. Dexter demonstrates that bad, can be good! I readily admit to fantacizing about applying the gory disposal techniques demonstrated by Dexter, to certain deceitful, arrogant and corrupt members of our own government, here in South Africa.

Dexter, Season 1 went by all too quickly; a testament to how enthralled I was. Recently I found myself looking for Season 2, but could not find it; I did find Season 3, which leaves me delighted in anticipation. However, not finding Season 2, on the shelves, I came across The Vampire Diaries Season 1 and made a rash decision to purchase it; being swayed by the recent public fascination with Vampire movies.

At this point, I need to make it quite clear that I’m a Skeptic and proudly consider myself a member of the community of critical thinkers; which means that I not only have no interest in the occult or supernatural, I find beliefs in them to be rather disturbing. And I did not fail to notice the plethora of television drama series concerned with the supernatural, which fills the shelves of my DVD retailer. It’s actually quite concerting that the supernatural is such a popular theme.

But that just leaves me to explain why I chose to buy The Vampire Diaries. Well, it’s simple. I confess to a secret desire to live forever; and sucking on pretty girl’s necks for a lifetime does seem to be a particuarly pleasurable way to live through eternity. Off course, my aversion to direct sunshine, and the fact that blood-sucking reminds me of politicians, are other reasons.

Anyway, to continue my tale of entertainment seduction; I watched the first episode of The Vampire Diaries a few weeks ago and was utterly disappointed. My first impression was that it was made specifically for love-struck teenagers. The mushy romance permeating through the first episode left me feeling nauseated. I switched off, and threw the DVD box into a cupboard in disgust.

However, a few days ago I happened to be downloading some new software I purchased from Cyberlink, and did not have anything to do, what with my not-so-broad, broadband link informing me that the download would take all off 7 hours. With my internet connection being commandeered for that interminable duration, I turned to my DVD collection. Having already watched Dexter Season 1 and everything else, I turned to the discarded Vampire Diaries in utter desperation.

To cut a tedious story short, I was pleasantly surprised, as Episode 2 seemed to develop beyond my expectations, and so did the following Episodes. The mushy romance is still there, but the introduction of witches and more Vampires has sparked a new interest for me; especially the witches as I have a special empathy for those persecuted by religious bigots.

Anyway, there’s no hope for me now; I’m hooked on The Vampire Diaries too…

Expert drivers, and those who just can’t get an appointment to show their skill

I stepped out at the end of the Top Gear Live show yesterday at the Sundome, Johannesburg, in awe of the driving skills displayed, particularly by the French team of motorcyclists in the Cage of Death.

Hosted by Jeremy Clarkson and James May, the show is a spectacle to behold – motoring theatre and comedy at its finest. Even after four years of attending the show since it was first brought out to South Africa by the Top Gear team, with Jeremy Clarkson and Richard Hammond the hosts back then, I still shudder when the pyrotechnic explosions go off, with balls of flame so close, you can feel the heat.

Yesterday, after watching the four motorcyclists riding in a steel cage barely large enough to hold them, weaving intricate patterns, I remember thinking that was one of the most awesome sights I had ever witnessed. Today however, I came across a YouTube video featuring eight motorcyclists in what is admittedly a slightly bigger cage, at a Shanghai circus, and I feel somewhat cheated. To be honest, I guess four motorcyclists in a cage is impressive enough, but Clarkson and company had better bring a cage with nine of them the next time they’re in South Africa.

And just as I was thinking that the comedy in South Africa could not get any better, I came across an article in an on-line publication today, about the Chief Magistrate of Gauteng, Daniel Thulare, being referred to the Magistrate’s Commission for apparently advising that drivers who could prove they had a learner’s licence which had expired while the driver was trying to obtain a testing date for a driver’s licence, would be able to legally drive on South African roads.

For those who are a bit mystified about all this; I think it’s sufficient to reveal that the licencing authorities which presumably falls under the ambit of the  Transport Department, is in what can only be described as a state of disarray. Aspiring learner drivers hoping to get an appointment to demonstrate their proficiency and thus pass their drivers test, have found it nearly impossible to do so, for more than a year already. It is all too apparent that this authority, as with so many other government departments in South Africa, are themselves licenced for incompetence.

Not surprisingly, the Minister of Transport, Sbu Ndebele, who has a country house on probably the only road in South Africa which has no potholes, is not amused by the utterances of  the Chief Magistrate. While his declaration may be technically fair, it is not entirely advisable for a country with so many people who already carry dubious drivers licences [largely due to the endemic corruption at a large number of licencing departments], and who may be deemed to be among the worst drivers in the world.

I however, suspect that the Chief Magistrate is one clever guy, who is just reminding the Transport Department of their inefficiency, in a rather unusual, but amusing way.

I admit it…I have the propensity to hate

When I abandoned religion all those years ago, I believed that I had also discarded my susceptibility to emotional weakness, and thus the ability to hate. So, over the years I kept telling myself that the revulsion and anger I felt towards certain things, was just a feeling of annoyance…not hate.

However, recently I’ve had to admit that I really actually hate politicians, the law (as in the police)…………. and trucks. Yes trucks, as in vehicles that transport freight (and in South Africa, everything else imaginable).

It’s really easy to hate politicians; in fact it’s an obligation for all intelligent South Africans. But how can one hate trucks? It seems so pointless to hate an inanimate object which cannot feel your hatred, much less amend its objectionable behaviour to appease you. It would make more sense to hate the drivers and owners of trucks, than the trucks themselves. But as a motorist on South African roads, confronted with yet another truck that’s broken down and holding up traffic, it’s natural to think out loud, “Damn truck!” or more likely scream out loud “I fucking hate trucks!” I’m pretty sure nobody shouts out  “Damn driver!” or “I hate that fucking driver of that fucking truck and maybe the fucking owner too!” Okay, this is South Africa, so there’s bound to be one or two who would, but they’re as irrelevant as those who love politicians, or the police who shoot to kill.

Taxis are pretty annoying; lots of people probably hate them too, but they don’t come to a complete halt for hours on end, across two whole lanes, backing up traffic for hours. Which happens with freakish regularity, several times a day (not the same truck, obviously), usually in peak traffic in the mornings and afternoons. And if they’re not broken down, they are either travelling too slow in the wrong lane, have lost their load on the road (for some reason beer is a very popular load to lose), or the idiot driver is trying to overtake another slow truck…on an incline of all places.

So why do trucks break down with such frequency? Are they badly designed? Are truck drivers as reckless with their trucks as politicians are with our tax money or South African cocks cops with their guns?

I suspect it has something to do with the maintenance of these vehicles. Since the state-owned rail freight company hiked its tariffs all those years ago, almost everything is being transported by road these days. And the owners and operators in a highly competitive trucking industry are literally cutting each others throats for business, resulting in hardly anything being budgeted for maintenance of the trucks. What we have then is poorly maintained trucks on our roads which naturally break down at the most inconvenient of times.

What about the other annoying truck related incidences on our roads. Trucks that lose their loads, probably do so because of overloading, poor maintenance or simply through negligence in securing the freight. Why do truck drivers think that they can overtake on an incline without hogging the road and annoying the hell out of other motorists? Who knows? They’re truck drivers, not engineers.

The solution to this problem is very simple. The enforcement of steep fines for trucks that break down. I suggest that fines be as high as R10 000 for a first incident and then climbing dramatically for subsequent infringements by the same owner or operator. If you consider the lost time and productivity that these breakdowns cause to the economy, the frustration and even personal losses sustained by other motorists  when they miss flights, important appointments, even job interviews, I think the fines are an imperative. It would teach the owners to look after their shit.

The other benefit of hefty fines for truck owners, is that the traffic cocks cops don’t have to harass ordinary motorists as much as they do, to generate revenue for their Metro Council employers. So with all that extra dough coming in from the errant trucking industry, it would leave fat-arsed traffic cocks cops free to lose weight or do some real work. So instead of lazing in the shade of a tree, or behind a bush, (c)overtly manning speed cameras all day long, they could actually actively manage traffic safety.