If you’ve got murder on your mind, come to South Africa

Hmmm. I’ve just read that our Tourism Minister, wants to promote South Africa as a great destination for shipping cruises. May I suggest (dis)honourable Minister, that we’ll make more money promoting this country as the ultimate murder destination.

Yes, that’s right. If you’re thinking of knocking off someone, bring or lure them here. You will not find a more beautiful, accessible, murder-friendly destination in the world. Forget about Mexico, Afghanistan or Iraq; you need to do the deed without having to worry about getting knocked off yourself.

Your chances of getting caught are pretty slim; the incompetence of our police (dis)service is legendary. They’re however quite good at forming blue-light flashing, motorised convoys to escort our self-important, fat-arsed politicians around at break-neck speed on our soon-to-be open-tolled roads, forcing tax-paying citizens out of the way. That, and turning a blind eye to the looting of the treasury by our elected (sigh!) politicians.

However, you need to take cognizance of the following to ensure that your chances of being arrested are eliminated or minimised:

  • Don’t plan your murder or hit in any area that is run by a competent Provincial Administration; that is to say, don’t do it in the Cape Province. Rather select any one of the other corrupt ANC-governed Provinces. Polokwane and the Eastern Cape are a good bet.
  • Don’t hire shifty, good-for-nothing mini-bus taxi drivers as part of your hit squad. They’re likely to get caught after boasting about it in the local township shebeen (unofficial bar, to you foreigners). Don’t hire drug-peddling Nigerians either; they’re just good at extortion, fraud and peddling drugs off course. Don’t approach any of our politicians either; they may like stealing, and don’t give a hoot about crime, but I don’t think they’ll be party to murder.
  • Don’t ask that cougar from Pretoria, who planned a hit on her rugby-playing boyfriend or anyone on honeymoon, for advice.

Now that you’re all set to get away with murder, please consider first spending some of your Euros and Dollars on normal touristy things; even visit some of our idle World Cup stadiums, or take a cruise. We could sure do with the money, and so could our politicians.

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