17 Shopping Days Until the End of the World… Again!

It’s silly season again! No really, this time it most certainly is…

I wrote last year in October about the religious nut, Harold Camping who predicted the end of the world on 21 October. This time around its various New Ageists and other assorted crackpots. Most of these wacko’s base their beliefs on the Mayan calendar. Others think that Earth is going to collide with a Black Hole, or the imaginary planet Nibiru. Some even suggest we’re going to be invaded by Aliens.

I know the world is still as crazy as ever; probably even more so than last year. There are all the usual signs. We’ve had them here in South Africa too. Religious nut jobs are still butchering anyone who they deem to be in opposition to their primitive belief systems. Politicians are still defrauding their constituencies with gay abandon. And every freak, thief, rapist and murderer continues to treat the world as their personal property.

And global temperatures are rising.

But I can assure you that I will stop the world from ending on 21 December 2012. The question is, will you worship me thereafter?

The end of the world is (not) nigh…

It’s less than 4 hours to go before 22 October rolls around here where I’m writing this, and it’s already that in some parts of the world.

If you’ve looked around and can’t find anybody you know suddenly missing for any strange reason, it could mean one of three things:

1. We’re all evil bastards who don’t deserve to be Raptured, and have been left here on Earth to rot forever by [insert your version of a mean-spirited, invisible father-figure here]
2. We’ve all been Raptured and are now in Heaven, which inexplicably looks just like Earth. And the whole event went unnoticed; occurred not with a bang, but with barely a whimper, as Camping is recorded as re-predicting.
3. Harold Camping is a lying scumsucker.

Need I tell you which one I pick?

However, let’s for the hell of it, imagine if the first or second scenario played out. If we’re all evil bastards who have been left behind, it is highly likely that the mother of all floods is headed our way soon. In which case, I hope you have your Ark schematics approved.

If we’ve all been Raptured and are now in a Heaven, which looks and feels just like Earth, it probably signifies that we’ve all been had by the cosmic father-figure of our choice that we’ve trusted for so long. It therefore sucks being us.

I’m therefore quite justified in declaring that you can’t possibly win by believing in, and trusting invisible, all-powerful father-figures.

All that’s left is to wait for Camping to explain this monumental failure of prophesy, which I’m sure will be as hilarious as his previous attempts.

We live in a fascinating time…

Image via Wikipedia

Hot news around the world today is that Moammar Gadaffi bought the farm. At least everyone thinks he has.

I’m thinking that Gadaffi was eccentric enough to have had a body double, who is the unfortunate slob who is now actually riddled with bullets. Privately, I’m hoping that this is not so, and that the evil bastard is indeed dead. We’ll just have to wait and see…

If it is genuinely confirmed that the tyrant is dead, it would be rather unfortunate that he copped it prematurely. Tomorrow, October 21 is the eagerly awaited Judgement Day, and it would have been rather sweet if Gadaffi got his personal Armageddon on this auspicious (to Harold Camping and his idiotic followers, at any rate) day.

And while we’re talking about Camping, I wonder what the lunatic is doing right now? Is he on bended knee, hands clasped in prayer? Or is he giving his final sermon to the delusional rabble that follows him? Perhaps he’s having his last earthly meal?

Whatever!

I’m just dying to find out how he’s going to explain away tomorrow, when it passes as it normally does, and the world remains as fucked-up as it is today. My advice to his more sensible (if that’s at all possible) followers is to prepare a noose for Camping, to send him on his way to meet Gadaffi.

That way he will get to enjoy an ending after all.

17 shopping days until the end of the world?

Image via Wikipedia

October 21, 2011 approaches!

According to Harold Camping, the world is supposed to be in the final stages of 5 months of horrible torment since the fabled Judgment Day which passed with hardly any fuss, on 21 May 2011. With just 17 days to go before that supposed all-defining moment in the brief history of mankind, die-hard believers are presumably wringing their hands in glee, while those who have not accepted Camping’s Lord, should either be wondering if there’s anything to all this flim-flam, or laughing hysterically.

To be fair, the last five months have been kinda unusual. Could Camping be onto something? Or is he on something, which seems to be the consensus of opinion?

World events over the last 5 months have been rather unusual. Or so it would have seemed to the casual observer. I’m not even going to try to imagine what it must have seemed like, to the stoned observer.

Despots who were apparently well-loved by the people being ousted in North Africa, the darling of the freedom movements, the ANC revealing themselves to be plain old scum, economic crisis in Europe, snow near Sun City and tornadoes in other parts of South Africa, Julius Malema being disciplined and the ANC Youth League losing popularity, and Arsenal languishing just above the relegation zone in the English Premier League table.

Now those were just some of the mighty unusual occurrences over the last 5 months. Or Harold Camping will have you believe so.

Either way, whether you’re a believer or not, it’s the ideal time to get in some shopping. Whether it’s to buy some wine for that last supper, a gift for Harold for warning everyone, a new bible to search for those passages to help you repent, or a bottle of the usual plonk, to ease those mouth muscles while you laugh at those who fell for it again…

This time it’s for real, and you can bet your ticket to heaven on it…

Image via Wikipedia

So May 21, the day of the Rapture passed us by with only a small volcano eruption in Iceland to show for it. There was off course the more tragic tornado ripping through Joplin, Missouri in the USA a day later, but even the most optimistic Rapture devotee will find that to be a rather abysmal display of the Christian god’s wrath, as predicted by the now infamous Harold Camping.

I think by now most people who predicted that the Rapture would not happen are smugly making fun of Harold Camping and his credulous supporters – and rightly so. They are collectively responsible for spreading an ideology that undoubtedly is going to have severe repercussions for a lot of people; mostly those who fell for it. But it did provide hours of fun for the rest of us and for that we’re awfully thankful.

Considering that it’s not the first time he’s done something like this, it’s no wonder that so many people are not only calling Camping a fraudster and demanding that he reimburse those who donated money to him, but some are actually demanding that he be prosecuted criminally as well.

It must therefore come as something of a shock with Camping now claiming that the world will actually be ending on October 21, 2011. But an even bigger shock is that many of his followers who were naive enough to believe him the first two times, are actually going to believe him yet again. I don’t know whether to despise them even more, or take pity on them.

Perhaps its best to just let them continue thinking that the Rapture did indeed occur on May 21, and that the Christian god, finding nobody who qualified for ascension into his version of Heaven this time, have given them all a reprieve until October 21, when he will return to exact real vengeance and perhaps cause a few more volcanos to erupt, even extinct ones.

Somehow, I expect Camping to still have many delusional followers even after this, even if he’s found criminally liable in the interim.

Just to see the expression on the scumbag's face…

According to Christian fundamentalist Harold Camping, the world is about to end in less than two hours at 6PM…in this time zone at least. The event better known as the Rapture will herald the return of Jesus.

In a South African context, with the local elections just completed and the ANC still retaining a fairly large majority, the Rapture will have special appeal to all those facing the prospect of another 5 years of self-indulgent rule, and remembering the moronic statement President Jacob Zuma made a while back that the ANC will rule “until Jesus comes back.”

While most of us will not qualify to ascend to a Christian Heaven, I’m sure we would like the to Rapture to occur nonetheless, just so that we can see the silly smirk wiped off the face of the prat. I’m giggling hysterically right now just thinking of how utterly stupid Zuma and his unquestioning followers will feel as Jesus reappears to end their victory celebrations, just 3 days after maintaining their majority at the elections.

Off course, being a rational person I’m not expecting Jesus or the Rapture but I guess I should just be happy with the small consolation that the opposition DA not only won the Western Cape outright, they have made significant inroads elsewhere in the country. I’m sure many ANC big mouths who predicted that they would win all Provinces convincingly, are feeling like sheepish twats right now.

If that’s the only pleasure I’m going to get from this election, I guess it’s enough.

Cometh the hour, cometh the Rapture

According to Harold Camping who predicted that all righteous Christians in the world will be Raptured on 21 May 2011, 6PM is the magical hour when it will start.

While Camping didn’t elaborate in which time zone it would occur, we would have to assume that he either meant 6PM local time California where he is based, or 6PM simultaneously around the world. I’m sure all of you who don’t qualify to ascend to Heaven on May 21 because you’re ridiculously rational, will immediately see the problem with the magical hour put forward by Camping. Those of you who are non-Christian believers shouldn’t even bother.

But rather than spoil the last moments on Earth for the selected few by posing these scientific questions which you no doubt have no appreciation for, I would just like to wish you well on your flight upwards to Heaven. May you get great service and an open bar.

I would like to dedicate the song Rapture, by Blondie to all you good Rapturees. I hope you take one last listen to some good earthly tunes before you subject yourselves to an eternity of harp music. This particular version which is a clever mix of Blondie and Jim Morrison of the Doors, may not be to your purist tastes, but just live a little before you depart.

I’m sure those of you who will remain behind like me to face the Tribulation, will appreciate this too while we party on regardless.

The End of the World is at hand….again!

Yes folks, the end is nigh…again! According to Harold Camping, President of familyradio.com, May 21, 2011 “will be the date of the Rapture and the day of Judgement.”

This crackpot previously predicted that the Rapture was going to occur on September 6, 1994, but when Jesus failed to appear, the former civil engineer claimed to have made an error in his calculations. Meanwhile another crackpot religious organization, WeCanKnow.com claims that after the May 21 Rapture, god will destroy this world and those who presumably didn’t meet the Rapture criteria, with it.

Personally I don’t picture Zuma and the ANC running to Pastor Ray McCauley demanding a refund for having their “rule until Jesus returns” cut short. But you never know; some in the ANC are that conceited. I do however see certain people taking advantage of this impending imaginary disaster to make a one time offer to the ignorant to purchase Power Balance armbands in preparation for a balanced judgement at the Rapture.

The only certainty is that religious crazies are going to continue to make claims for the end of the world until the sun implodes or said religious crazies start a nuclear war, or something else totally natural [or unnatural] causes us to go extinct.