In the land of Za, lived a mongrel dog called Lame Jules. You couldn’t really tell what type of dog it was, but a cross between pig-ugly and bone-dumb was quite evident.
Lame Jules became leader of the Rabid Young Dog’s League (RYDL) after a heated and widely disputed arse-sniffing conference held in Bloemfontein in 2008. Some time thereafter his support and allegiance to the Grand Master of Za, became well-known, by the sign displayed prominently above Lame Jules’s kennel door which read “I will kill for Jazooma.”
For a while all was well with the Grand Master and his lap-dog. Except for the odd embarrassing, ignorant growl from Lame Jules ( which still elicits shrieks of laughter from the rest of the world), things were just peachy; even while the Grand Master seemed to be forever on heat. But then the Grand Master started spending more and more time at the pig trough, and Lame Jules started feeling left out. He was just not satisfied with the scraps that were being thrown his way – tender-ized steaks were nice, but juicy T-bones and fillet are better, thought Lame Jules.
While salivating at the thought of the juicy T-bone and fillet steaks that he felt entitled to, it occurred to him that he would need a place to hide them. Looking at his belly that had grown grossly bloated from too many howling-at-the-moon parties, and expensive bottles of Johnny Walk-The-Dog, he realized that he would not be able to dig the deep holes necessary to hide his loot.
And then a flash of brilliance, the only one he would ever experience in his dog-forsaken life; mines have ready-made holes. What if he could have unfettered access to those mines? It would be so easy to then hide those juicy steaks.
I haven’t written anything for a while; since catching a flu virus, but it’s given me some time to catch up on some reading and other research. I have also not written a “Twit of the Week” blog for some time, but we are not fully into this week yet, and there’s already a candidate shouting out to be honoured as such.
Earlier this morning in Mogale City (previously known as Krugersdorp), the small conservative mining town I live in, a high school pupil wielding a Ninja sword, killed one student , injured another seriously and caused minor injuries to two men employed as gardeners by the school. Apparently he arrived at school carrying about three Ninja swords, face painted black, and wearing a mask that made him resemble the drummer from Metal band, Slipknot. The press reported the incident as an alleged Satanic act. Now you might be thinking that this murderous teenager is my Twit of the Week. Well, actually he is not. This misdirected fool is only a product of poor parenting, and a victim of a pathetic school system that has lost control and a society that has created Gods and Devils.
And that brings me to our Twit of the Week, none other than community leader Pierre Eksteen, who is also reportedly in charge of a school support network for children. This supposed leader when interviewed after the incident, made it very clear that Satanic music was the cause of the attack, stating that “He came here camouflaged as the guy from Slipknot. We know the wrong kind of music and drugs have bad effects. Young people need to be informed of the effects of bad Satanic music.” What the blazes is “bad Satanic music?” It never ceases to amaze me how religious tards can immediately conclude that in every case where some kid known to like Heavy Metal music and who has on his person anything resembling black, is involved in Satanic practices. Hey Mr. Eksteen, I happen to love Heavy Metal music and Slipknot for that matter and I also frequently dress in black outfits, so I must also be a Satanist, right?
Well Mr. Community leader Eksteen, let me spell it out for you and all those other religious cretins who make similar allegations. I don’t believe in Satan, or God for that matter and I certainly don’t worship either. I am not the one who invented Satan. You and the rest of the Theist crowd invented Satan, just as they invented God. So let me put forward my conclusion: You and your religious masters are ultimately responsible for screwing up this kids mind and causing him to commit such a heinous act. Conclusions! Nasty how they can be made so easily, hey?
My weekly rendition of the “twit of the week” is a little late this time around, but that’s not because there is suddenly a dearth of twits. On the contrary, there are any number of twits each week, banging on the doors of the halls of twit-dome.
Take for example, Zwelinzima Vavi, Secretary General of trade union, Cosatu whose recent comments about “killing for Zuma” went unpunished by the South African Human Rights Commission. To top that, during a strike-march last week, the twit called on the government to zero-rate (from VAT) the five basic commodities. Four of the basic five commodities are already zero-rated. Seems like mouthing off with little thought, is second nature to this clown. But, he actually does not make it into the halls of twit-dome (not this time anyway). You see, last week, a trio of murderous delinquents “high on religion” managed to earn entry instead.
26-year-old Nicolette and 20-year-old Hardus Lotter murdered their parents, Gerhardus and Magdelena in an affluent suburb of Durban, South Africa. And the dirty deed was apparently done under the influence of 21-year-old Matthew Naidoo, a religious nutcase who claimed to be the “third son of God.” Matthew told the siblings that God wanted their parents. You have to be pretty far gone to believe that you are a son of a non-existent God, and even more loony to actually allow yourself to be convinced to kill by such a cretin. As Voltaire observed “Those who can make you believe absurdities can make you commit atrocities.”
Now, will the “second-son-of-God” please identify yourself so that we can incarcerate you in a padded room, before you also entice someone to kill for your non-existent God.
This week lucky motorist, Absolom Morifi joins a rag-tag pack of politicians and rabid religionists in the halls of twitdom. Absolom may have been lucky in escaping on Tuesday with his life, from a massive pile-up on the N1 in Johannesburg, near the Buccleuch Interchange, which resulted in excess of 20 cars being totalled, but is a twit nonetheless. Here’s why.
Absolom cancelled his insurance policy on the morning of the very day that his car was flattened, together with several others by a runaway truck, and he had to be cut out of the wreckage with barely a scratch. But that’s not the reason why he is a twit, as many people cancel insurance policies when times are tough, to channel money to areas where it is desperately needed. Absolom however cancelled his insurance policy of R1, 400 a month so that he could pay this amount over to the Rhema Church instead as a monthly tithe. Apparently Absolom felt guilty (or more likely was made to feel guilty) about not paying his tithes, when he visited the church that previous Sunday.
You have to be a real twit when you feel your church needs your money more than you do, and you go to the extent of cancelling your insurance policy. I can’t really heap all the blame on Rhema Church here since their business empire is based on raking in the cash by dispensing guilt, and Absolom bought into that willingly. I dread to think how many others are in this same position?
As an avowed advocate of equality between the sexes, I have no qualms about naming a women as a twit if it is deserved. This week the honour belongs to Frene Ginwala, and I dare say, is long overdue.
If you need someone to cover up Government chicanery, corruption, nepotism and incompetence with a commission of enquiry, then there is no one better qulaified to head it, than Frene Ginwala. The former Speaker of Parliament, gained notoriety for among other things, her refusal to censure former Minister of Mineral and Energy Affairs, Penuell Maduna for his misguided attacks against the then Auditor-General and her deceit in the Arms Scandal Investigation a few years back. Her loyalty to Thabo Mbeki however, is unquestionable. Her aptitude to obfuscate to protect her masters, was amply demonstrated during the hearings into the arms scandal and exposed by Andrew Feinstein in his book “After the Party” where he referred to her as a “sari-clad dominatrix.”
Her addition to the halls of twitdome however, comes as a result of her recent appointment to chair the commission of enquiry into suspended National Prosecuting Authority head, Vusi Pikoli’s fitness to hold office. Pikoli was axed by President Thabo Mbeki after he spearheaded the investigation and prosecution of disgraced former commissioner of Police, Jackie Selebi. Mbeki cited a breakdown in the relationship between Pikoli and Justice Minister, Brigitte Mabandla as the reason for his suspension. Every decent thinking South African knows however that this is not the case; Mbeki is merely protecting Selebi.
True to form, the Ginwala Commission has been a total waste of time thus far, and Frene is playing her part to perfection, in support of her masters and delaying the execution of justice, by not calling Brigitte Mabandla to testify. Frene Ginwala is well and truly set to whitewash yet another inquiry.
This week I had a tough time deciding between Julius Malema, and the African Union (AU). By their respective actions, both demonstrated an equal affinity, in deserving entrance into the halls of twit-dome.
Let’s start with Julius Malema, the not so youthful President of the ANC Youth League (ANCYL). Malema made a name for himself as a student activist (his most noteworthy achievements include leading disrespectful and unruly students on destructive rampages through the streets of Johannesburg) and was endorsed as President of the ANCYL after a disputed leadership election (shades of Zimbabwe and Robert Mugabe). This twit earns his title by making repeated use of the hate-inspiring and inflammatory statements “We are prepared to die for Zuma,” and “We are prepared to take up arms and kill for Zuma.” He later refused to apologise, and disingenuously tried to deny meaning it literally. Even worse was to follow; Zwelinzima Vavi, Congress of South African Trade Unions secretary general, practically repeated verbatim the phrases used by Malema, Blade Nzimande, South African Communist Party secretary general, accused the South African Human Rights Commission (SAHRC) of being a “kangaroo court” when they demanded a retraction of Malema’s statements, and all the while Jacob Zuma, potentially the future President of South Africa, has remained quiet and un-leader-like. I will say no more about Malema, but Fred Khumalo of the Times sums him up quite wittily in The Boy in the Bubble.
Now onto the AU, an organization that has been spectacularly unsuccessful as a body formed with lofty ideals for the African continent. With the exception of a handful of leaders, this organization consists of 53 African heads of State, largely despots. By issuing a statement calling for a “government of national unity” in Zimbabwe after the recent shameful election staged and stolen by Robert Mugabe, this collection of twits (with the exception of some leaders such as Kenyan Prime Minister Raila Odinga and Ernest Koroma, President of Sierra Leone) deserve nothing but derision and initiation into the halls of twit-dome. On the other hand, the total lack of leadership from South African President, Thabo Mbeki throughout this whole debacle, is not only legendary, but has cast a dark shadow over the Southern tip of Africa. It makes one wonder if we are also headed in the same direction as Zimbabwe.
This week there is a real toss-up between Robert Mugabe, demented incumbent dictator, and Angus Buchan self-appointed prophet and erstwhile potato farmer from Greytown, Kwa-Zulu Natal. Seeing as Mugabe qualifies for twit-of-the-decade, and I have already berated him in a previous post this week, Angus Buchan is the winner this time.
Why Angus you may ask? Well, an interview with Angus was broadcast on Carte Blanche last Sunday, probably after his “successful” Mighty Men Conference (MMC) held on his farm, one weekend in April this year. The good evangelist boasted how 60 000 men turned up; he claims they were not invited (“And you’re going to ask me – the next question is – who invited them? I don’t know – they just came. I mean, there were no big speakers here… it was just us.”). Turns out that 80 percent of those who attended were farmers, mostly Afrikaners, presumably looking for a quick-fix to all their problems. The fact that mostly Afrikaners attended is telling in itself; this group are becoming increasingly marginalized in the new Apartheid-free democratic South Africa. It’s easy to see that they were looking for some sort of miracle; maybe Angus could help them pray for a return perhaps, to the days when their bibles vindicated their abuse of black farm workers, and their hegemony on ruling the country.
But Angus, from a misguided sense of morality gleaned from his precious bible, decided to preach about the “erosion of masculinity” and how wives should “submit to their husbands”. Yes, this twit was preaching, in the modern era, the paternalistic doctrine so prevalent in the bible of Abraham’s days. This “men wear the pants around here” practise does not belong in the era of equality. Surely there ought to be laws against people who advocate sexism. Not to mention laws against evangelists misleading pitifully desperate people who have no self-respect or self-confidence. There should be free psychiatric help for all people in need of “saving”, to ensure that they don’t waste their money on enriching evangelists.
Those who visited this years MMC, coughed up R100 per person for the “privilege”. Considering that about 60 000 men attended, and most of Angus’s costs (by his own admission) were covered by religious benefactors, that’s a good bit of dosh to be pocketing for a weekend’s work. Religion is the world’s best business model. Imagine a business empire where you can sell shares in an imaginary product (salvation), use eternal damnation as your insurance policy/scare tactic/selling point, and make your customers believe that they can expect their dividends to be payed out in the afterlife. Ask Angus Buchan; he’s also discovered that religion sells better than potatoes…