Cometh the hour, cometh the Rapture

According to Harold Camping who predicted that all righteous Christians in the world will be Raptured on 21 May 2011, 6PM is the magical hour when it will start.

While Camping didn’t elaborate in which time zone it would occur, we would have to assume that he either meant 6PM local time California where he is based, or 6PM simultaneously around the world. I’m sure all of you who don’t qualify to ascend to Heaven on May 21 because you’re ridiculously rational, will immediately see the problem with the magical hour put forward by Camping. Those of you who are non-Christian believers shouldn’t even bother.

But rather than spoil the last moments on Earth for the selected few by posing these scientific questions which you no doubt have no appreciation for, I would just like to wish you well on your flight upwards to Heaven. May you get great service and an open bar.

I would like to dedicate the song Rapture, by Blondie to all you good Rapturees. I hope you take one last listen to some good earthly tunes before you subject yourselves to an eternity of harp music. This particular version which is a clever mix of Blondie and Jim Morrison of the Doors, may not be to your purist tastes, but just live a little before you depart.

I’m sure those of you who will remain behind like me to face the Tribulation, will appreciate this too while we party on regardless.

Human thieves fine, animal thieves not…

Repost from my sister blog ScumWatch:

Assuming there is indeed a god, HE is a real twat. I say HE because I cannot visualize a female god being such a vicious bastard; vindictive and scornful yes, but not so sadistic as to cause harm to an animal, but tolerate gross human misconduct.

Off course, if we consider that there is no proof of a supernatural being, then the often assumed highest form of evolutionary life, namely HUMANS, have a long way to go on their evolutionary journey.

By now, you’re probably wondering what the hell I’m ranting about?

Well, you see there is a baboon in the Cape Province of South Africa, nicknamed Fred, who has become infamous for “opening closed car doors and robbing tourists of their bags and food.” Fred does this for a living. However Fred’s idea of living is very basic – he just wants to survive from one day to the next. He views the tourists who venture into his domain as nothing more than his next meal ticket.

Fred gave up his natural diet because silly humans who encroached on his territory, thought it would be fun and amusing to feed him their carbohydrate rich food. Since Fred took a liking to this food source, the humans have not been as generous. Frustrated, Fred became a tad more energetic in his determination to get at this food source.

The silly humans cried foul and lodged many complaints about the behaviour of Fred, which as you know was directly caused by human stupidity in the first instance.

This led to the team responsible for managing the baboon population in the Cape Peninsula The Baboon Operational Group (BOG), making a shitty decision to capture and euthanize Fred.

The moral of this tragic but true story is that it is okay to be human and steal from the treasury as our government leaders do, but you’re fucked if you’re a baboon. Breaking it down further, it implies that stealing to enhance your lifestyle is cool; stealing to fill your stomach as even some humans are forced into doing, is punishable with imprisonment and even death.

Fred’s gonna be dead; the human scum ahead…

Horror from Japan excites horrid little minds

As the true extent of the damage from the massive earthquake that struck Japan begins to be realized, the crazy warped minds of the world’s religious lunatics are working overtime churning out ignorant theories about the wrath of the gods, the end times, the return of Jesus, and the power of the Supermoon.

Every time there is a natural disaster somewhere around the world, you can bet your bottom dollar that some religious looney-tune is going to mouth off about god’s wrath against gays, lesbians, heathens, Atheists or whatever conflicts with their warped sense of morality.

String together a series of natural disasters, political revolts and other forms of turmoil such as economic downturns, and the horrid little minds of these god-botherers goes into myopic overdrive.

The earthquake in Japan follows the recent heavy flooding in Australia, and earthquakes in Chile and New Zealand and citizen revolts in North Africa. The aftermath of the earthquake resulted in tsunami’s causing destruction elsewhere, a nuclear power plant about to go into meltdown, and a volcano eruption. This much chaos seems to have gotten the religious doomsayers into a monumental frenzy.

Just this weekend I’ve read that god is punishing the Japanese for killing and eating whales, the end-times is very close, Jesus is about to make another appearance, the bible predicted everything, and that the poor old moon is responsible for setting off the whole catastrophe.

But somehow, while god is supposedly laying on the death and destruction everywhere, he’s positively smiling down on South Africa’s favorite convicted fraudster. Schabir Shaik who was released from prison apparently because he was terminally ill, seems to become livelier by the day, as he goes about his way assaulting and intimidating reporters and even worshippers.

Go figure!

Disaster free? Not quite!

With the heart-wrenching images of the aftermath of the massive earthquake to hit Japan streaming in on every possible medium, I’m comforted that South Africa is not situated on or near any major geological fault lines that would make us also susceptible to these types of disasters.

But we do have our own fault lines in the form of a long line of crazy asshole politicians hell-bent on destroying the country. Yes, you guessed right! The ANC are the only major disaster South Africa has to worry about.

Fortunately it is a man-made one; one which can be mitigated, perhaps even without the destruction associated with disasters.

Bobbie-the-Jean: 50 Reasons I Reject Evolution

Was pointed to this hilarious compilation thanks to The Observer from AvC. Enjoy!

Dinosaur Extinction

1.) Because I don’t like the idea that we came from apes… despite that humans are categorically defined and classified as apes.

2.) Because I’m too stupid and/or lazy to open a fucking science book or turn on the Discovery Science Channel.

3.) Because if I can’t immediately understand how something works, then it must be bullshit.

4.) Because I don’t care that literally 99.9% of all biologists accept evolution as the unifying theory of biology.

5.) Because I prefer the idea that a (insert god of choice) went ALLA-KADABRA-ZAM MOTHAH-FUCKAHS!!!

6.) Because I can’t get it through my thick logic-proof skull that evolution refers ONLY to the diversity of living organisms which reproduce with genetic variation, not to abiogenesis, or planet formation, or big bang cosmology, or whether God exists, or where they buried Jimmy Hoffa, or why the sky is blue, or how many licks it takes to get to the center of a fucking Tootsie Pop.

7.) Because the fossil record doesn’t comprise the remains of every single living thing that ever existed on this 4.5 billion year old planet, even though fossilization is a rare process that only occurs under very specific circumstances.

8.) Because science has yet to produce any transitional species… except for the magnitudinous numbers of them found in the fossil record which don’t count because… I uh, OOH LOOK! A SHINY OBJECT!!! *runs away*

9.) Because I know nothing about Darwin except that he had a funny beard.

10.) Because the theory of evolution (which, according to scientists, perfectly explains the richness and diversity of life on Earth) contradicts biblical literalism… ya know, flat Earth with a firmament that keeps out the water, talking snakes, people rising from the dead, bats are birds, flamey talking bushes, virgin births, food appearing out of nowhere, massive bodies of water turning into blood… etc etc.

11.) Because I think the word “theory” actually means: “random stabs in the dark” when it really means: “an explanation of certain phenomena that is well-supported by a large body of facts and often unifies similarly well-supported hypotheses” i.e. atomic theory, gravitational theory, germ theory, cell theory, some-people-are-dumb-motherfuckers-theory, etc.

12.) Because the fact that science is self-correcting annoys me. Most of my other beliefs are rigidly fixed and uncorrectable.

13.) Because I am under the severely mistaken impression that evolution implies someone in my very recent ancestry was a chimp.

14.) Because everything appears designed to my mind which was expertly tuned by nature to perceive design, probably as a survival mechanism.

15.) Because some secretly fabulous closet-dwelling televangelist (who unironically preaches hate towards gays) told me that evolution is Satan’s way of leading me away from God.

16.) Because that same guy (who was also caught snorting blow off a male hooker’s shiny naked ass) told me that God planted those fossils to test my faith.

17.) Because I’m 100% correct about everything 100% of the time and there is 0% chance that some snooty Oxford educated scientist with numerous honorary doctorates could possibly know something that I don’t.

18.) Because I don’t know that fossils are found in sedimentary strata corresponding to their age as one would expect if evolution were true.

19.) Because I don’t understand why, if we share common ancestry with chimps, there are still chimps. And when someone with more than three brain cells in their head inevitably replies: “for the same reason Americans share common ancestry with Brits but there are still Brits, I can’t follow the logic. It’s just too big a leap. Who am I, Evil Knievel?

20.) Because my mom dropped me on my head when I was a baby.

21.) Multiple times.

22.) On purpose.

23.) Because the idea that life evolved naturally over billions of years is infinitely less believable than the idea that an 800 year old man crammed two of every species into a giant wooden boat when the entire planet flooded, an event for which there is absolutely no geological evidence whatsoever and also makes no fucking sense at all.

24.) Because Jesus totally rode around on a fucking t-rex. He’s just that badassed. And also, did you know that t-rexes were vegetarians? Ken Ham says so and I believe it.

25.) Because I don’t realize that saying “microevolution is possible but macroevolution isn’t” is as stupid as saying “I can pick my nose for one second but I cannot pick it for 10 seconds.”

26.) Because the education system failed me miserably.

27.) …and then took a big wet dump on my face.

28.) Because I think that knowing how nature works magically obliterates all of its beauty.

29.) Because I didn’t know that evolution has been tested and observed in laboratories.

30.) Because when confronted with that, I refuse to believe it. It’s obviously a scientific conspiracy aimed at turning everyone on the planet into atheists… even though evolution says nothing about god’s nature nor whether he, she, it, or they exist.

31.) Because I’m too stupid to realize that Social Darwinism has nothing to do with evolution and is actually a pseudo-scientific bastardization that real science largely rejects.

32.) Because the planet and all the life on it was designed for humans… kinda like how the Metropolitan Museum of Art in NY was designed specifically for the dust-bunnies that may accumulate on the floors.

33.) Because I don’t realize that if we actually found croco-ducks in the fossil record, it would falsify evolution.

34.) Because plenty of respectable people like Ron Paul, Mitt Romney, and Mike Huckabee (who are not scientists) don’t accept evolution, and that somehow validates my opinion.

35.) Because my mother didn’t know not to drink while she was pregnant. She also didn’t know not to repeatedly throw herself down a flight of stairs in an attempt to undo the accident of screwing someone who voted for Bush both times.

36.) Because I don’t know that “irreducible complexity” has been debunked a frazillion times by a frazillion different people and is no more credible an argument than “NEEN-er NEEN-er NEEN-er, I’m right and you’re wrong.”

37.) Because I have never seen a duck evolve into a cat over night, despite the fact that such a thing would be contrary to all known scientific disciplines.

38.) Because I have no imagination, learning is too much effort, I don’t like proven facts, change scares me, and I think deoxyribonucleic acid is something I’m supposed to clean my bathroom floors with.

39.) Because evolution means that I absolutely MUST reject everything else I know, abandon all my beliefs, and start aping around my house like a fucking monkey. OOOh-ooohh-ooohohh -OOOOOOHHHHHH!!!!!

40.) Because I haven’t put my cave on the market and moved into the 21st century yet. I’m waiting for the cave market to rebound from the recent financial meltdown.

41.) Because I don’t know what an atavism is and if you told me, I still wouldn’t believe it. Too weird.

42.) Because I don’t know that evolution explains methicillin-resistant Staphylococcus aureus and also provides the answer in preventing it from turning into a superbug and killing massive numbers of people.

43.) Because I don’t know that evolution is routinely used in medicine to diagnose and treat certain illnesses such as genetic ailments, bacterial infections, and viral infections.

44.) Because I believe there is a strong comparison between designed inanimate objects such as buildings, paintings, and watches (which we know were pieced together from identifiable components by human beings) and living organisms (which reproduce with genetic variation under the effects of environmental attrition).

45.) Because I see no significant similarities between humans and apes. *scratches my ass-crack then smells my fingers*

46.) Because I think I’m too special to have been crafted by any natural process and the entire planet, solar system, galaxy, and universe were created with me especially in mind.

47.) Because I unquestioningly swallow the ignorant anti-science bullshit spewed directly from the fraudulent stupid asses of people like Ken Ham, Ted Haggard, Fred Phelps, and Kent Hovind.

48.) Because I’m a freethinker and freethinking really means ignoring anything that contradicts what I already believe.

49.) Because I don’t know what confirmation bias is.

50.) Because despite the fact that in all my years of life, I have never seen any magic, I still believe magic is the answer to anything I don’t immediately comprehend.

Ladies and gentlemen, I rest my case. Quod erat demonstrandum, I fucking win. Take that you EVILutionists!

The End of the World is at hand….again!

Yes folks, the end is nigh…again! According to Harold Camping, President of familyradio.com, May 21, 2011 “will be the date of the Rapture and the day of Judgement.”

This crackpot previously predicted that the Rapture was going to occur on September 6, 1994, but when Jesus failed to appear, the former civil engineer claimed to have made an error in his calculations. Meanwhile another crackpot religious organization, WeCanKnow.com claims that after the May 21 Rapture, god will destroy this world and those who presumably didn’t meet the Rapture criteria, with it.

Personally I don’t picture Zuma and the ANC running to Pastor Ray McCauley demanding a refund for having their “rule until Jesus returns” cut short. But you never know; some in the ANC are that conceited. I do however see certain people taking advantage of this impending imaginary disaster to make a one time offer to the ignorant to purchase Power Balance armbands in preparation for a balanced judgement at the Rapture.

The only certainty is that religious crazies are going to continue to make claims for the end of the world until the sun implodes or said religious crazies start a nuclear war, or something else totally natural [or unnatural] causes us to go extinct.

Please Mr. Wenger, don’t you dare…

Dear Mr. Wenger,

I know you’ve been telling us repeatedly that you can’t play the same team all the time. And yes, that’s true; we understand that players need to rest and recuperate and thus you need to rotate them.

But please don’t for the love of the beautiful game, ever start with that lazy-ass Dane Bendtner, ever again.

I know you’ve been telling us repeatedly that your players are starting to have great belief in themselves and their ability to win games. And yes, that’s true. However, Bendtner has great belief that the ball will magically come to him as he strolls lazily around the park.

Please Mr. Wenger, if he doesn’t start making an effort to get to the ball, get rid of that loser as quick as you can. But in the interim, he should be given time off to get into shape; he does not belong on the same field of play as the others.

In you we will trust.

Lenny

OMG! Oh my God! Oh my Gawd!

There was a time when using the phrase “Oh my God” was considered a profanity and tantamount to taking the lord’s name in vain. There was probably a time when you could have been burned at the stake for uttering those words.

These days however, everybody uses the term quite nonchalantly, and nobody seems to take any offence.

Its been shortened to OMG for those who find spelling challenging, and are more comfortable at texting seemingly undecipherable gibberish on their cellular devices. Its been more recognisable to rap artists and other challenged musicians as Oh my Gawd. And off course atheists have no problem saying Oh my God, when they invariably use it sarcastically.

But somehow, it sounds so sissyish when used by men.

I therefore would like to recommend that in future men start using the term Oh my dog instead. I don’t see how dogs could be offended; they’re so forgiving of man’s every indiscretion. And if any animal-lover is offended, we could just ignore them, as usual.

It could be shortened to OMD, which could perhaps raise an objection from the band Orchestral Manoeuvres in the Dark, but they’re certainly not very influential these days. And rappers and singers of very little note would have no problems with Oh my Dawg.

Off course blondes can continue to use OMG; we most certainly don’t want to cause them any undue stress.

There, you see, all sorted godammit