Pope-eye the Sailor Man

I have a wicked mind. In high school I developed the knack of passing a quip at any commentary. These days I reserve that talent for anyone who has earned the ire of the people, by deed or speech.

Usually politicians are my victims. Today it’s the turn of Pope Benedict XVI. Reports suggest that he is going blind in one eye and due to a high blood pressure condition, is advised to limit air travel. I will leave the faithful to ponder why god’s emissary is being forsaken. Rationalizing is after all, their fortitude.

Pope Benedictus XVI (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

What I’m musing over is whether his partial blindness is the reason why he turned a blind eye to the perverse sexual antics of his priests. Yeah, yeah, that’s really malicious, but let’s get even sillier…

Will Ratzinger now become Pope-eye the Sailor Man since he is restricted from travelling by air?

This is South Africa, still untamed in some ways…

I’ve often been amused by Westerner’s who come to South Africa expecting to see wild animals wandering in the streets of Johannesburg.

While these travellers may be disappointed in not spotting any game for free, they’re more than happy to fork out a small fortune (in South African Rands at least) to go on the obligatory game drive, where they might also be treated to some tribal dancing, at the more upmarket private wildlife reserves. And If the local beer isn’t enough to satiate the more bloodthirsty among them, some sleaze ball ranches offer canned hunting…

But I digress.

One thing that the traveller is sure to find alive and well, is the practice of archaic cultural traditions, by all races. Our very own President, Jacob Zuma is a principal practitioner. He’s in it deep – keeping multiple wives, war dances, ancestor worship, promoting tribal and bush justice and maintaining a traditional living compound, allegedly at taxpayers expense; more that R200 million worth of posh huts with underground bunkers and electric lifts.

It’s actually inexplicable why someone so traditional, is also so comfortable living the bling Western lifestyle… also at taxpayers expense off course. No different though, than the South African Communist Party (SACP) leadership who exult in the pleasures of capitalism, whilst regurgitating communist, socialist bullshit to anyone stupid enough to listen. Some say it’s a culture of entitlement; spreading much like a disease. If it is, it’s highly likely entitlement will be one of the last remaining diseases to be eradicated from the African continent.

In one such ceremony yesterday, President Zuma slaughtered cattle, danced and appealed to his dead ancestors to “guide and protect him” apparently against those who were “ganging up against him,” while he seeks to maintain his unholy grip on power. Truly bizarre if you consider he belongs to the Full Gospel Church of Southern Africa. I guess if one is religious, it doesn’t hurt to cover as many bases as possible.

However just in case the spirits of your ancestors are otherwise engaged, it doesn’t hurt to hedge your appeals with a little vote-buying while on the campaign trail, as alleged here. If true, these allegations prove that the President is undoubtedly traditional all right – a traditional scoundrel.

Heatmaps to give a f@@k about

Fuck you!

A common enough phrase. But would you care how often it was being said? Would you actually keep count?

Seems a company called Vertaline did just that. They tracked tweets from 100’s of locations across the USA containing the phrase “fuck you,” over a 10-day period in July this year, and created a heatmap that recorded its distribution.

And the results?

New York City and Los Angeles take a bow. It seems you do indeed give a fuck about the usage of flowery language.

However this doesn’t mean shit according to the article from where I got this crap, because the heat signatures correlate with high population densities in those areas, and hence does not make for a very scientific evaluation.

Now after reading this, I wondered how this use of heatmaps could be put to use right here in South Africa. Since we’re all pretty much fucked under the current government, I wondered if Vertaline could find another way to use heatmaps that would amuse us, and keep us busy until our turn comes to bend over.

What if they could creat heatmaps that measured levels of bigotry and sophistry. We could then have hours of fun as we uncover the gatherings off our politicians, and posh meeting venues they favour. No points for figuring out which political party is raising the most “heat” – we all know don’t we; we’re just curious about how much more than the others. Naturally, Parliament would have to be excluded; we all know what a hothouse of “fuck the people,”  that place is.

Would you be interested in my fairly brilliant idea? Do you actually give a fuck?

Public disservice announcement for ambitious jihardiots

So you’re just not satisfied with blowing up the odd offending building or bus, anymore? Yeah that just does not cut it these days. The message is really not sinking in. People are just so goddamn stubborn, and simply will not accept the last true faith willingly. What you need is to ramp it up a bit – or perhaps a whole lot.

Yeah! Being blown up into 72 pieces is just not enough. What is required is more pieces and for that you need a bigger bang. Nuclear big!

Well you’re in luck because graphic designer Maximilian Bode has performed the complex calculations to enable you to determine the minimum number of nuclear devices necessary to blow up a whole city, a whole state or province, even the whole world. Because, let’s face it – nothing short of total Armageddon is going to make the infidels sit up and listen. Even if it may be rather difficult sitting up and listening in such a state of bodily separation.

Depending on the size of the device you deviously manage to get your hands on, it would take between 19 (Little Boy used in WW2) and 1 (B53 or Castle Bravo or Tzar Bomba modern-day device), to obliterate New York for instance. You need only be limited by your level of ambition, and capacity to satisfy hordes of virgins.

Off course securing the nuclear fuel for these delightful death devices may be a little tricky, but if you can worm your way into the good books of certain South African politicians who happen to also be senior members of the African Nuclear Commission (ANC), you may be able to secure what you need. All it takes is money, or a car or house or Breitling watch. But it also doesn’t hurt to first secure the services of a middle man, and South Africa has quite a few disgraced former Police Commissioners and assorted suspended “leaders” who will be quite happy to assist you, having had plenty experience in securing stuff.

So I’ll leave you to it then. Go fetch.

The shit they’re saying in politics #1

Inspiring new ways…

Minister in the Presidency ** Collins Chabane announced a new slogan for marketing the country – South Africa: Inspiring new ways.

Given the current climate of perverse over-taxation of the citizens of South Africa, and the  continuous brazen looting of the treasury by government,  I wonder if this catchphrase is intended to inspire both parties differently.

For government:

1. Inspiring new ways for members of government to loot and pillage without getting caught as often as they do
2. Inspiring new ways to tax their citizens into oblivion

For citizens:

1. Inspiring new ways to ridicule arrogant members of government, especially when they get caught with their hands in the cooky jar
2. Inspiring new ways to dodge taxes and finding new driving routes to avoid paying ridiculous tolls

On leased buildings

Bheki Cele our “shoot first, talk later,” Police Commissioner is currently facing a commission of enquiry into his approval of outrageous lease agreement deals involving hundreds of millions of Rands.

This exemplar of police brutality, while revealing that he signed the contracts without reading, told the inquiry “I also knew there could be a re-prioritisation of funds”, knowing that there were none.

With South Africa facing a spiralling crime wave, our government has left the safety of the public in the hands of a bozo who believes that moving into comfortable new offices is more important than providing much-needed resources to the police officers struggling to fight crime.

** As opposed to Ministers out of the Presidency such as Minister of (non-existent) Transport, Minister of (shoddily built) Housing, Minister of (inferior) Education, etc.

 

Thank God for the fine print

God loves you.*

*Terms and conditions apply.

Image via Wikipedia

The [insert holy book of choice] is the word of God.*

*Errors and omissions excepted.

Today in Politics: Roasting #02

ANC secretary-general [note the fatuous military title] Gwede Mantashe has appealed to followers of his wayward organization to “stop insulting” its leaders. WTF?

Appealing to his own supporters, not detractors? First, let me get this out of the way…

Bwahahahaha!!!

It’s perhaps a good sign, because it’s an indicator that the sheeple are finally cottoning onto the real character of their political leaders, which means there’s hope yet for this country.

If Mantashe doesn’t realise that respect is earned, he should escape very quickly from the 17-year post-apartheid dream-world he’s been living in and start smelling the neglected sewer infrastructure. Politicians will only get respect from their followers and other people when:

1. They abandon the disdain they have for their own people, and become honest and caring
2. Pigs fly.

I suggest Mantashe starts praying very hard for pigs to grow wings.

………………………..

Seems former President Thabo Mbeki is still hung up about the death of his former bossom-buddy, Muammar Gaddafi.

He’s been making dubious claims that “false knowledge” spread through the internet and social media such as Twitter is to blame for the removal and ultimate death of the Libyan despot. He suggests that people believe absolutely everything they read in the various media.

While that may be true of the ignorant berks who continuously vote for the world’s tyrants, there are actually a lot of people who are discerning about the information they consume.

Is Mr. Mbeki seriously suggesting that we believe the shit that emanates from the mouths of politicians? When pigs fly, Mr. Mbeki. When pigs fly…

Banana man PAWNED!

In case you thought I was gonna go all political on your ass in the new year, here is some religious dissonance for your enjoyment.

Remember when evangelist Ray Comfort tried to convince anyone who would bother to listen, that the banana was one of God’s perfect creations? And remember how he stubbornly ignored all those who pointed out that the modern banana was closer to being a near-perfect creation of man, rather than some cosmic dictator.

Well it seems that Ray is quite adept at being single-minded. Here he is being thwarted by a West Indian women:

The guy is either a very smug Christian or a very successful fraud. Perhaps even both.

17 shopping days until the end of the world?

Image via Wikipedia

October 21, 2011 approaches!

According to Harold Camping, the world is supposed to be in the final stages of 5 months of horrible torment since the fabled Judgment Day which passed with hardly any fuss, on 21 May 2011. With just 17 days to go before that supposed all-defining moment in the brief history of mankind, die-hard believers are presumably wringing their hands in glee, while those who have not accepted Camping’s Lord, should either be wondering if there’s anything to all this flim-flam, or laughing hysterically.

To be fair, the last five months have been kinda unusual. Could Camping be onto something? Or is he on something, which seems to be the consensus of opinion?

World events over the last 5 months have been rather unusual. Or so it would have seemed to the casual observer. I’m not even going to try to imagine what it must have seemed like, to the stoned observer.

Despots who were apparently well-loved by the people being ousted in North Africa, the darling of the freedom movements, the ANC revealing themselves to be plain old scum, economic crisis in Europe, snow near Sun City and tornadoes in other parts of South Africa, Julius Malema being disciplined and the ANC Youth League losing popularity, and Arsenal languishing just above the relegation zone in the English Premier League table.

Now those were just some of the mighty unusual occurrences over the last 5 months. Or Harold Camping will have you believe so.

Either way, whether you’re a believer or not, it’s the ideal time to get in some shopping. Whether it’s to buy some wine for that last supper, a gift for Harold for warning everyone, a new bible to search for those passages to help you repent, or a bottle of the usual plonk, to ease those mouth muscles while you laugh at those who fell for it again…

Barcelona = Soccer Surgery

Image via Wikipedia

Precise, surgical passing and movement, clinical finishing. It’s the Barca way!

Last night the champions of Spain were crowned the Champions of Europe for the second successive year by defeating the champions of England Manchester United. To be fair, “defeating” is a euphemism. Manchester United were handed their asses on a plate. They were literally mesmerised into submission by the sublime Barcelona.

So is it fair to conclude that the Spanish League is superior to the English Premiership?

While Barcelona are currently untouchable, I don’t believe they could perform consistently well for a whole season if they were drafted into the Premier League. The Premier League may not exactly be a display of stylish football, but it is arguably the toughest and most demanding in the world, on both players and coaches. I’m also skeptical if any of the Barcelona players would perform as well should they be signed up to any English team.

Currently they’re performing masterfully in a team and environment which suits them well.

Arsenal in England compares very favourably with Barcelona in style of play and producing the type of football that make the purists go orgasmic with delight. However Arsenal have too many young players who though laden with talent, are still brittle and inexperienced. Off course it doesn’t help that they are playing in such a tough League. I imagine that they should perform better in the Spanish League.

So then, who is the best footballer in the world?

Without doubt it has to be Lionel Messi. I’d venture to say that he’s superior to Maradona or anyone else ever, in the history of football. Messi is the son of the footballing gods. And the best part is that he’s chosen to remain here on Earth among us mere mortals and not sit up there in football heaven smirking like someone else’s son we know.