Richard vs Richards

For the first Monday in a while, I feel great. No hangover, and I went through a whole day at work without itching to wrap my hands around any of my Planning colleagues’ neck.

So it’s back to writing about what I love more than a whole lot of other things. Here’s two icons of the music world who are still alive and kicking, one through mostly clean living (surprisingly rock stars do that?) and one surprisingly through raising hell.

cliffrichard

Vocalist Harry Rodger Webb, otherwise known as Cliff Richard (that’s Sir, to you) is 75 years old. After selling 250 million records and a career spanning 50 years, he’s still rocking. But he’s also still single and living a clean life hanging out between homes in Barbados and Portugal.

keithrichards

Guitarist Keith Richards on the other hand who survived  5 drug-related charges in the 60’s and 70’s, falling out of a coconut tree in 2006 (on his head), is now 71. And no doubt he’s still leading the rock star life, hanging out between Weston, Connecticut and a private island in Turks & Caicos.

Being about a quarter century away from reaching this age group, there’s a few things I can aspire to. From Cliff, I’ll take being single and healthy… and looking Posh. From Keith I’ll take the hard living… and an island of my own.

Black Friday Special

Cripes! While you’ve been shopping your heads off, mine has just become the number one target for two countries.

Yes folks, the list of countries where my head would be most highly sought after, has just grown by 100%. I had resolved never to visit Saudi Arabia because I feared my (non) religious beliefs would surely see me parted from my head.

But now it seems North Korea has joined the head-hunting party. Reports suggest that authorities are ordering citizens to copy that lunatic Kim Jong Un’s shitty hairstyle. There is a further report that offending long locks such as mine are being cut by university student monitors. Now I don’t know who or what they are, but I’m not about to find out.

Losing my head or long locks would be equally terrible for me.

Sowing the seeds of fraud… with John Oliver

With apologies to Tears For Fears…

High time we made a stand and shook up the views of the common man,
and the love train rides from coast to coast.
D.J.’s the man we love the most.
Could you be, could you be squeaky clean and smash every hope of democracy as
the head line says you’re free to choose
There’s egg on your face and mud on your shoes.
One of these days they’re gonna call it the blues yeah, yeah

John Oliver’s made a stand. He’s shown us how easy it is for preachers to take money from people who willingly buy into a religious belief system – by setting up his own Church. Yes, Our Lady of Perpetual Exemption was given birth on live television, a medium so beloved of evangelists out for the kill.

The video above is 20 minutes long, but hilarious from start to finish. I promise, but unlike the preachers, I keep mine. See for yourself.

There you go, I am true to my word, aren’t I? So, are you going to continue funding these charlatans’ private jets and ranches, or will you help shake up the views of the common man?

There’s gonna be hell to pay

church101

This week I read about a woman who’s been kicked out of church for not paying her tithes. Now I know what most of you are thinking – that’s pretty mean and un-Christian.

Well, you’re wrong. First African Baptist Church (FABC) of Bainbridge’s Pastor Derrick Mike is perfectly within bounds for turfing Josephine King of Georgia out on her 92-year old ass. Once one buys into the whole religious belief thing, one should sure as hell* expect to pay. Nothing’s free (except the coffee apparently), for anyone of any age.

In the video embedded in this article, you will notice that the FABC is one big-assed Church. It must surely cost a pretty penny to keep that monster suspended like belief afloat. Church management are reasonable to expect payment. It’s all business after all.

* If you’re wondering how an atheist can speak of the surety of hell, wonder no more. Hell does exist – in vast parts of Africa, the Middle East and other parts of the world, being ruled by either religious zealots or dictatorial psychopaths, or being torn apart by either or both.

About whorehouses and armadillos

Heard about the Texan who got shot by an armadillo?

Actually this guy from down Texarkana way, fired three shots at an armadillo with his .38 revolver and one bullet managed to ricochet off the poor creature, to hit him right smack in the jaw. He’s in hospital so he misses out on a Darwin Award. There’ no word about the armadillo though. I hope he got away unhurt.

While laughing my way through that, it suddenly occurred to me that that armadillo sounded like an armed dildo, and thus my wicked thoughts strayed from Texarkana to La Grange. It happens quite often, these crazy associations. [Imagine the headline, “Texan fucked by armed dildo”].

This brilliant ZZ Top song is about a brothel outside La Grange, Texas which became known as the Chicken Ranch. It’s off course more (in)famously known as the Best Little Whorehouse in Texas. I have had the great pleasure of watching ZZ Top guitarist and lead vocalist Billy Gibbons live in concert with the Kings Of Chaos outfit. You’d never guess he’s been rocking with the same crew for more than 40 years.

And with that piece of useless trivia, have a fabulous week ahead.

To be or not to be… a dictator

While our cricketers were being humbled in the World Cup down under by New Zealand, our President was toying with the idea of becoming a dictator.

If you’re wondering how these two events are connected – they’re not. It’s just that both our President and our cricketers were a major disappointment yesterday, with the former being a permanent one.

While most will have people laughed off Jacob Zuma’s idiotic contemplation, some of us were a tad bit jittery, this being Africa, a continental clusterfuck of downright autocratic and pseudo-democratic governments. Talk here in South Africa of dictatorship by the ruling circus clown should never be taken too lightly.

Zuma may be a giggling, incompetent, lying, corrupt leader who somehow always comes off as likeable to the voting fodder, he harbours a dark side that very few people get to see. I caught a glimpse of it once on television when he was engulfed by a horde of reporters and cameramen, and I recognized it instantly. He is most certainly capable of transforming into a full-blown dictator.

But why would Zuma want to become a dictator, even if for one year as he facetiously “requested” in the South African Local Government Association summit in Midrand? He has everything going for him.

(a) He has this uncanny knack of fooling everyone into thinking they have a fully functioning democracy.

(b) The majority of the voting public being somewhat credulous, are tripping over each other to vote for him.

(c) He has twisted practically every arm of the law and judiciary to serve his every whim and folly.

(d) He can spout utter rubbish and the majority of the people lap it up unquestioningly.

So why? Is it possible that he senses that the tide is turning and that things will no longer be going his way. Are more and more of his former supporters and lap-dogs slowly but surely recognizing what a huge liability he is?

I think so…

Bring back Clarkson

Daddy didn’t give affection, no!
And the boy was something that mommy wouldn’t wear
King Jeremy The Wicked
Ruled his world

I love cars. Which is why I love Top Gear.

But I soon discovered that Top Gear is not all about cars. Oh no, it’s about Jeremy Clarkson. It’s not a one-man show, but his sidekicks Richard Hammond and James May, proficient though they are in their own right, are like the cars they feature, little more than beautiful (and did I say accomplished?) props.

Top Gear is almost all about Jeremy. Funny, irritating, laughing, teasing, politically incorrect, offensive, shameless, devilish Jeremy. There was a time the only reason I bothered to watch the telly, apart from sport off course, was because of Top Gear.

And now he’s in trouble again.

This time, suspended for allegedly throwing a punch at a BBC producer. The reason does not matter. Producers after all are supposed to serve gods actors food on time… and take a punch or two for the greater good.

There’s a litany of indiscretions that’s got him into trouble before, but the BBC knowing what a treasure he is, sensibly did not let those mundane distractions keep him off the box. But now it appears to be different. Two whole shows have been postponed. That’s pretty darned alarming.

So he’s alluded to truck drivers being murderers of prostitutes, and called former Prime Minister Gordon Brown a “one-eyed Scottish idiot.” So fucking what? I despise truck drivers who’s only mission in life seems to be to cause traffic chaos, and everyone knows Gordon Brown is an idiot. Surely we don’t need to be convinced.

But it’s also alleged that Clarkson has offended various race groups, nationalities and religious denominations around the world, including Mexicans, Argentinians, Asians, Muslims and Indians. Boo fucking hoo! People are just too darn sensitive.

Hey, I’m Indian (South African), and I was not at all offended by Clarkson’s remark about Indians being unsanitary. India is on my bucket list of places NEVER to visit, up there with Saudi Arabia (practically all of the Middle East actually), North Korea, Pakistan, Malaysia and 98% of Africa. No, not even when I’m dead and my atoms return to star-dust.

The guy’s a gifted comedian for fuck’s sake. The world needs more of them really badly.

Yes, there’s a much more selfish reason why Jeremy just has to come back. The Top Gear Live Show is scheduled to return to Johannesburg, South Africa in a couple of months, and I DO NOT want to miss that. It just won’t be the same. It would be Stuck In Gear.

What music will you choose in a zombie apocalypse?

Well into Season Five of the The Walking Dead, I got to thinking. What music would you listen to if you had a disc player with a decent supply of batteries?

Here’s the scenario:

It’s the zombie apocalypse and while out scavenging for food you stumble into a music store. It’s the kind that had prior to the apocalypse, shifted to selling mostly vinyl again, because, well, nobody buys CD’s any more, right? All that’s left apart from the great vinyl selection, are the following albums on disc. Who knows what happened to all the other albums on disc. It’s the friggin’ apocalypse!

Which of these albums (discs) would you choose? You can’t take them all, because you need the space in your backpack for food and batteries okay.

I’ll tally up the results and let you know next week what your choice says about you relative to the zombie apocalypse. Are you the Walking Dead, The Walking Dread, or Right Said Fred?

Still hung over

Another one of those awesome weekends… thought so at the time.

On Monday it does not feel so awesome. Into Tuesday, and it feels only marginally better. Is it possible to still be hung over two days into the week? Certainly feels like it.

Hence this meaningless post. Hopefully things get back to normal tomorrow. Perhaps an appropriate song in the interim.

Damn you whiskey. I might just forgive you this weekend. We’ll see…