Rant Alert: But it’s juicy!!!

Image by _dorothy_ via Flickr

I do love mixing the odd cocktail and invariably the recipe calls for fresh fruit juice.

But I’ll be damned if fresh fruit juice can be found in a hurry anywhere in South Africa. Unless you buy fruit and extract the juices yourself, the gunk passing for fruit juice on all major retailers’ shelves, including the over-hyped major supermarket chains, is absolute rubbish.

What the fuck is 100% blended fruit juice or pure blended fruit juice? Since when is blended, 100% or even pure?

Why can I not get pure 100% orange juice or cranberry juice that is NOT MIXED with a blend of apples or other berries? None of my cocktail recipes call for a mixture of apple and orange and whatever the fuck else the manufacturers decide to throw in to create their concoctions. Why can’t I get just plain orange juice or plain apple juice or plain cranberry juice?

If I wanted orange juice with apples and other fruits, I’d mix the fucking thing myself. I mean who the hell would prefer a blend, rather than the pure unadulterated thing? Am I the only person who thinks that these blends are a scam by the manufacturers who use terms like “pure” and “100%” to mislead customers? Are customers even aware that they’re being scammed?

Perhaps I’ve got it all totally wrong and the manufacturers have conducted market research that indicates that people like the mixed up shit. Am I?

And while we’re still discussing the issue, why, oh why are all the bottles of 100% blended juice always so fucking sticky? I remember a dairy company that delivered pure 100% orange juice [only] to my door when I was a kid, and the bottles were never sticky. Is it that the manufacturers these days not only care so little about quality, they couldn’t bother to package the crap they’re selling in a presentable manner too?

Oh, the disdain…

Shaik rattled again…Bwahahaha!!!

I don’t usually take pleasure in hearing about people being hurt…but sometimes one must make exceptions, especially when the person who has been hurt is a scumbag.

Convicted fraudster, Schabir Shaik was involved in an altercation with 4 men at his favorite golf club recently, but this time he was on the receiving end of a beating. Seems he heard the men in the clubhouse talking “ill” about President Jacob Zuma and decided to be the gallant asshole, and confront. Now, all sensible people know that you just don’t mess with 4 guys who are drinking, especially when you’re alone. Maybe on that day Shaik had too much of that goji berry juice that’s supposed to be “curing his terminal illness,” which temporarily caused him to lose his sense of judgement, but it was a godsend nevertheless.

After Shaik swindled the taxpayers, raped the Justice system and then beat up a women journalist and a worshipper at a Mosque, I’m sure most decent people would welcome this small token of justice being served. Personally I don’t think it’s nearly enough, but in a country where there is so little of it, I guess I’ll take what I can.

In case you missed it, here are the morals of this little story:

1. What goes around, comes around
2. Never defend another scumbag, or you’ll get your ass kicked.

Barcelona = Soccer Surgery

Image via Wikipedia

Precise, surgical passing and movement, clinical finishing. It’s the Barca way!

Last night the champions of Spain were crowned the Champions of Europe for the second successive year by defeating the champions of England Manchester United. To be fair, “defeating” is a euphemism. Manchester United were handed their asses on a plate. They were literally mesmerised into submission by the sublime Barcelona.

So is it fair to conclude that the Spanish League is superior to the English Premiership?

While Barcelona are currently untouchable, I don’t believe they could perform consistently well for a whole season if they were drafted into the Premier League. The Premier League may not exactly be a display of stylish football, but it is arguably the toughest and most demanding in the world, on both players and coaches. I’m also skeptical if any of the Barcelona players would perform as well should they be signed up to any English team.

Currently they’re performing masterfully in a team and environment which suits them well.

Arsenal in England compares very favourably with Barcelona in style of play and producing the type of football that make the purists go orgasmic with delight. However Arsenal have too many young players who though laden with talent, are still brittle and inexperienced. Off course it doesn’t help that they are playing in such a tough League. I imagine that they should perform better in the Spanish League.

So then, who is the best footballer in the world?

Without doubt it has to be Lionel Messi. I’d venture to say that he’s superior to Maradona or anyone else ever, in the history of football. Messi is the son of the footballing gods. And the best part is that he’s chosen to remain here on Earth among us mere mortals and not sit up there in football heaven smirking like someone else’s son we know.

A joke for the jokers in Government

With the recent elections still fresh in our minds, this hilarious joke I received from a friend via e-mail is rather pertinent to the two main contenders. I couldn’t resist sharing:

A woman in a hot air balloon realised she was lost.
She lowered her altitude and spotted a man below.

“Excuse me,” she called, “can you help
me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don’t know where I
am.”

The man consulted his portable GPS. “You’re in a
hot air balloon, approximately 10m above a ground elevation of 782m above sea
level,” he said. “You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude
and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude.”

She rolled her eyes and said: “You must be a DA
supporter!”

“I am,” replied the man. “How did you
know?”

“Well,” answered the balloonist,”
everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to do
with your information, and I’m still lost. Frankly, you’ve not been much
help.”

The man smiled and responded: “You must be an ANC
government official.”

“I am,” replied the balloonist. “How
did you know?”

“Well,” said the man, “you don’t know
where you are or where you are going. You’ve risen to where you are due to
a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise that you have no idea how
to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. You’re in exactly the same
position you were in before we met, but, somehow, now it’s my fault.”

A week after the elections…

The Times Online, February 02, 2010

Politics in South Africa is back to normal. We’re going to miss the run-up to the elections when the assholes in the contending political parties tried to be nice to us for a few weeks.

Now that the vote has been secured, it’s back to the same petty squabbling, deceit and plain stupidity one has come to expect routinely from the swine of the earth – our glorious self-serving politicians.

Admittedly I haven’t heard too much from the Democratic Alliance (DA), but they’re no doubt busy behind the scenes savouring the gains they have made and plottting their next moves. No so however with the African National Congress (ANC).

They’ve been quite vocal. From the idiot former mayor in the Eastern Cape who urged his followers to burn down a local newspaper and drive opposition voters into the sea for allegedly supporting the DA, to  ANC Secretary General Gwede Mantashe disingenuously claiming that the leader of their Youth League, Julius Malema lost them some votes. Then we had President Jacob Zuma calling for an enquiry into the running of a Municipality by the DA prior to the elections and which they had retained control of after the elections. Off course the DA cried foul, calling it a political stunt, and perhaps they have a point because it’s practically unheard off for the ANC to call for investigations into anything, particularly since the ANC are alleged to be involved in major financial irregularities in practically every local council they have under their control.

Meanwhile minor political parties and independents who won a few seats, began the rather unsavory job of prostituting themselves by getting into the bed of the heavy-weights, mainly the ANC. The ANC off course lost no time in securing these liaisons because they’ve become quite adept at sleeping with anybody and anything that furthers their self-serving nature.

But all of these events pale in comparison to the ANC’s threat to stymie further debate on the Secrecy Bill, more formally known as the Protection of Information Bill (POIB), and hasten it through Parliament. Their intent is obviously to use their majority to pass the Bill, thus stifling freedom of speech which they hope will accord them the protections to continue with the raiding of the treasury among other more dastardly deeds.

Now that the sweet smiles from government that greeted us during the elections have turned into ugly fangs, it’s time to resume our vigilance and bring out the anti-venom.

This time it’s for real, and you can bet your ticket to heaven on it…

Image via Wikipedia

So May 21, the day of the Rapture passed us by with only a small volcano eruption in Iceland to show for it. There was off course the more tragic tornado ripping through Joplin, Missouri in the USA a day later, but even the most optimistic Rapture devotee will find that to be a rather abysmal display of the Christian god’s wrath, as predicted by the now infamous Harold Camping.

I think by now most people who predicted that the Rapture would not happen are smugly making fun of Harold Camping and his credulous supporters – and rightly so. They are collectively responsible for spreading an ideology that undoubtedly is going to have severe repercussions for a lot of people; mostly those who fell for it. But it did provide hours of fun for the rest of us and for that we’re awfully thankful.

Considering that it’s not the first time he’s done something like this, it’s no wonder that so many people are not only calling Camping a fraudster and demanding that he reimburse those who donated money to him, but some are actually demanding that he be prosecuted criminally as well.

It must therefore come as something of a shock with Camping now claiming that the world will actually be ending on October 21, 2011. But an even bigger shock is that many of his followers who were naive enough to believe him the first two times, are actually going to believe him yet again. I don’t know whether to despise them even more, or take pity on them.

Perhaps its best to just let them continue thinking that the Rapture did indeed occur on May 21, and that the Christian god, finding nobody who qualified for ascension into his version of Heaven this time, have given them all a reprieve until October 21, when he will return to exact real vengeance and perhaps cause a few more volcanos to erupt, even extinct ones.

Somehow, I expect Camping to still have many delusional followers even after this, even if he’s found criminally liable in the interim.

Just to see the expression on the scumbag's face…

According to Christian fundamentalist Harold Camping, the world is about to end in less than two hours at 6PM…in this time zone at least. The event better known as the Rapture will herald the return of Jesus.

In a South African context, with the local elections just completed and the ANC still retaining a fairly large majority, the Rapture will have special appeal to all those facing the prospect of another 5 years of self-indulgent rule, and remembering the moronic statement President Jacob Zuma made a while back that the ANC will rule “until Jesus comes back.”

While most of us will not qualify to ascend to a Christian Heaven, I’m sure we would like the to Rapture to occur nonetheless, just so that we can see the silly smirk wiped off the face of the prat. I’m giggling hysterically right now just thinking of how utterly stupid Zuma and his unquestioning followers will feel as Jesus reappears to end their victory celebrations, just 3 days after maintaining their majority at the elections.

Off course, being a rational person I’m not expecting Jesus or the Rapture but I guess I should just be happy with the small consolation that the opposition DA not only won the Western Cape outright, they have made significant inroads elsewhere in the country. I’m sure many ANC big mouths who predicted that they would win all Provinces convincingly, are feeling like sheepish twats right now.

If that’s the only pleasure I’m going to get from this election, I guess it’s enough.

Cometh the hour, cometh the Rapture

According to Harold Camping who predicted that all righteous Christians in the world will be Raptured on 21 May 2011, 6PM is the magical hour when it will start.

While Camping didn’t elaborate in which time zone it would occur, we would have to assume that he either meant 6PM local time California where he is based, or 6PM simultaneously around the world. I’m sure all of you who don’t qualify to ascend to Heaven on May 21 because you’re ridiculously rational, will immediately see the problem with the magical hour put forward by Camping. Those of you who are non-Christian believers shouldn’t even bother.

But rather than spoil the last moments on Earth for the selected few by posing these scientific questions which you no doubt have no appreciation for, I would just like to wish you well on your flight upwards to Heaven. May you get great service and an open bar.

I would like to dedicate the song Rapture, by Blondie to all you good Rapturees. I hope you take one last listen to some good earthly tunes before you subject yourselves to an eternity of harp music. This particular version which is a clever mix of Blondie and Jim Morrison of the Doors, may not be to your purist tastes, but just live a little before you depart.

I’m sure those of you who will remain behind like me to face the Tribulation, will appreciate this too while we party on regardless.

My decision to vote again: Conclusion

Yes, I’ve done it – cast a vote again after 17 years of watching in dismay as the politicians slowly set about ruining the country.

Only now I’ve voted AGAINST the main culprits, the ANC. Somehow that feels so liberating. It’s probably not going to hurt the ANC, but it’s my way of telling them to fuck themselves.

There is a glimmer of hope from what I’ve seen thus far, that the party I voted for will turn things around. But it also hinges on many others also favoring them – hopefully enough votes of confidence in enough local councils across the country to give them the required majorities to run local government the way it should be.

However, I now also realize that my responsibility does not end with just voting. Now comes perhaps the most important part of democracy – holding the successful office bearers responsible and accountable for delivering the services for which we pay taxes. This will require a little diligence and some snooping around to find out what the elected councillors are NOT DOING. Then it’s a matter of exposing their failings and demanding redress, using whatever legal means available.

The candidate I voted for is in for a nasty ride should he win the election in my local district. I’m going to ensure that he understands that he is a civil servant and his candidacy means that I basically “own” him for his term of office. He’s going to know who’s paying his salary because I’m going to remind him frequently. He’s going to know that he’s expected to be a councillor from 9 to 5 every day, and not a part-time manager of a football team while he’s in office. He’s going to get phone calls even at night…when services are not delivered on time.

It’s time that we all made sure that elected officials know that they will not be getting fat on our watch. Let’s put them to work…

I care about the future of my country…not the future of a political party

It’s finally here. One more sleep until the election that’s being billed as a watershed event in the recent history of South African politics. But will it be?

Oh, it’s just a local government election, nothing as dramatic as the election of the first Black President in the USA, but it’s a very important event in the history of South African politics. Seventeen years of democratic [I’m not amenable to that word] elections has produced a pattern of voting that hasn’t changed all that much.

But tomorrow, will South Africans vote with maturity for the first time, or will they continue to vote emotionally along narrow racial and egotistical lines like they’ve always done in the history of voting in this country?

The two main contenders up for elections are the Democratic Alliance (DA) and the African National Congress (ANC). The hundreds [yes, democracy tends to become farcical] of other parties and independent candidates vying for contention will get a small percentage of the vote, but will become irrelevant in the larger scale of things. But they’re important nonetheless, catering for either refined thinkers on the one hand and self-seeking interests on the other.

The DA and the ANC have both conducted intensive election campaigns in the run up to this elections. While both had their unsavory moments, one in particular conducted a particularly nasty campaign that set new standards of low for electioneering, in this country at least.

The ANC being the dominant party continued to make the same promises which they have been making for the last 17 years and broken repeatedly. Their campaign featured elements of the bizarre on far too many occasions – contending that a vote for the ANC was a guarantee of a ticket to heaven, and pandering to the superstitious inclinations of the older generation of the vast Black population by stating quite falsely that their deceased elders would be angered if the ANC was not favored in the election. These were among the more despicable acts perpetrated during their increasingly desperate campaign. The ANC campaign was also noteworthy for the manner in which it manipulated emotions and entrenched racial divisions in the country. In short, the ANC did a remarkable job of promoting themselves, at the expense of the country as a whole.

The DA campaign on the other hand, while not standing out as a shining beacon for morality and potential good governance, was at least realistic and concentrated on what local elections are all about – service delivery. They did not stoop to the abominable depths of using religion and culture to gift-wrap their campaign; instead they focussed on highlighting their successes at local municipalities where they were in control. The important thing for me was that they were convincing about their concern for the future of the country.

And that is where the ANC failed dismally. They merely managed to convince me that they were more concerned about protecting their own self-serving interests by retaining power both nationally and locally. Anyone who actually bothers to analyse performance and can see through the myriad deceptions that politicians routinely employ, will realise that the ANC does not deserve to be trusted with a vote of confidence.

For this reason, I will not vote for them tomorrow, but will trust the DA to prove that they deserve a chance at local government.