An open letter to Helen of Tafelberg

Dear Helen,

Southern Sudan will start voting tomorrow in a historic referendum that will enable them to secede to form a new country. In so doing they will at last escape the tyranny of that madman al-Bashir, and the Arabic Islamic North.

You and I, both live in a country being slowly ruined by several madmen who occupy the seat of power. I therefore seek desperately to move somewhere where my taxes wont find its way into the back-pockets of these despots-in-the-making, but into filling those potholes I routinely drive into on my daily commute, among other more pressing things like education systems that produce graduates who can score more than 30%, and a police service that can actually see their toes while standing upright. I dread the future that the products of this education system will undoubtedly create once they start working, and I sure as hell don’t want to live in constant fear of criminals who actually can see their toes.

I need security, and many others like me just want to be able to live in peace, and not worry about that next pothole that will ruin our cars, or that car-jacker who will ruin our relationship with our insurance companies.

I believe you can help us. Secession is going to be all the rage in 2011; I can feel it in my bones. Wink! Wink! Nudge! Nudge!

The Kingdom of the Cape sounds so much better than the land-locked one run by that despotic, polygamist, reed-dancing pervert. I would be honoured to be a citizen of another country and not have to cross an ocean to be there. And you would make such a good President…or even queen.

Please let me know if you will be interested in creating the push for independence; I will start getting my papers in order for emigration.