How dare Paris Hilton’s friend attend a World Cup match with just one joint?

Imagine getting into heaven and all you want to do is sit on a fluffy cloud and play the harp, all day, every day. It’s like having no aspirations to enjoy the fruits of heaven! Pretty soon you’re going to be kicked out; for being such a party-pooper.

Imagine coming to South Africa and attending a World Cup game between the liberal Dutch and the Brazilians who are party animals….with just one joint? What was Jennifer Rovero, Paris Hilton’s one-time Playboy, playmate-friend thinking, coming to criminal-loving South Africa so ill prepared?

This is South Africa after all. We positively love criminals. We give asylum to human-rights violators, dictators, crime bosses, crime families. Hell, we even elect them into power. We love madmen like Mugabe; we allow him slip in and out the country, to shop here at our best, most priciest malls. We allow murderers to report their crime and then slip quietly out of the country, or into obscurity, well protected by our well-greased police force.

How dare you Miss July 1999, have the effrontery to be in possession of one lousy joint? Our Nigerians have truckloads of the stuff; and a lot more besides. They’re allowed to take over, one district at a time, because they have big ambitions and this makes our politicians and top cops lick their lips with glee. And here you come with one freaking joint! You small-time players make us wanna hurl. Not impressive at all. No, no, no.

Is it any wonder our Home Affairs Ministry decided to kick you out, and brand you a prohibited person? That will teach ya; entering our borders all legal and such.

Oh, and since they’ve given you 14 days to leave the country, I suggest you shimmy on up the coast and get some of that famous Durban poison before you leave our crime-infested shores. You won’t regret it; that’s some great shit they have there.