The Last King of Looney-land

You guessed it; I’m referring off course to Robert Mugabe, the lunatic wanna-be President for life. Just when it looked like the recent elections in Zimbabwe were going to confirm that the country had finally decided to oust him from power, he finds a way to cling on, unashamedly. I’m really pissed so I put together an open letter to this crackpot:

Dear Mug,

It’s not like you need to cling on to power, because you don’t have any options to keep you busy in your remaining years of dementia. Allow me to highlight some of the options open to someone with your peculiar qualifications:

  1. The American CIA are always looking for candidates to supplement their pool of tin-pot dictators, needed to prop up governments in minor countries with mineral and oil resources, which they (America) need to exploit. You are eminently qualified to become dictator-for-life in one of these countries and so help the Americans steal another poor countries natural resources. I’m sure they in turn will line your pockets with wealth and build you some fabulous palaces which you seem to like. While not busy scurrying around the countryside of your newly adopted homeland looking for your latest wife, you can still rant and rave about the despicable British colonialists, you so despise. The Americans hate them too.
  2. I’m sure your friends in China could use your expertise in suppressing the Tibetans. Imagine what fun you can have over there in Tibet, stealing from the poor country folk, and what a scenic location for your latest royal palace.
  3. What about settling right here in South Africa. Your good old friend and avid supporter, Thabo Mbeki could use someone like you in his cabinet. You see, right now, he still has one or two good Ministers in his cabinet who are spoiling the image of the rest of the incompetent nincompoops he has strung together. You would be an ideal candidate to replace let’s say, Trevor Manuel. This Ministers’ good work is really showing up the incompetence of the rest of this motley Cabinet crew, and that just wont do. Thabo needs you to take over and introduce South Africa to the kind of amazing feat you have pulled in Zimbabwe; yes, letting inflation chalk up the 100 000% mark.
  4. And, if by some chance none of the above alternatives appeal to you, you could always contact the Saudi Arabians (maybe the Libyans) to arrange your care-free retirement in the sun, just like your idol, Idi Amin, did.

So you see, there is really no need to contest the elections. Just fire your election staff, who it seems were not competent enough to rig the elections sufficiently to give you the majority (they must have miscalculated all those extra ballot papers that you printed), pack your bags and choose an option above. Either way, just go….

Sincerely,

Lenny

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