Expert drivers, and those who just can’t get an appointment to show their skill

I stepped out at the end of the Top Gear Live show yesterday at the Sundome, Johannesburg, in awe of the driving skills displayed, particularly by the French team of motorcyclists in the Cage of Death.

Hosted by Jeremy Clarkson and James May, the show is a spectacle to behold – motoring theatre and comedy at its finest. Even after four years of attending the show since it was first brought out to South Africa by the Top Gear team, with Jeremy Clarkson and Richard Hammond the hosts back then, I still shudder when the pyrotechnic explosions go off, with balls of flame so close, you can feel the heat.

Yesterday, after watching the four motorcyclists riding in a steel cage barely large enough to hold them, weaving intricate patterns, I remember thinking that was one of the most awesome sights I had ever witnessed. Today however, I came across a YouTube video featuring eight motorcyclists in what is admittedly a slightly bigger cage, at a Shanghai circus, and I feel somewhat cheated. To be honest, I guess four motorcyclists in a cage is impressive enough, but Clarkson and company had better bring a cage with nine of them the next time they’re in South Africa.

And just as I was thinking that the comedy in South Africa could not get any better, I came across an article in an on-line publication today, about the Chief Magistrate of Gauteng, Daniel Thulare, being referred to the Magistrate’s Commission for apparently advising that drivers who could prove they had a learner’s licence which had expired while the driver was trying to obtain a testing date for a driver’s licence, would be able to legally drive on South African roads.

For those who are a bit mystified about all this; I think it’s sufficient to reveal that the licencing authorities which presumably falls under the ambit of the  Transport Department, is in what can only be described as a state of disarray. Aspiring learner drivers hoping to get an appointment to demonstrate their proficiency and thus pass their drivers test, have found it nearly impossible to do so, for more than a year already. It is all too apparent that this authority, as with so many other government departments in South Africa, are themselves licenced for incompetence.

Not surprisingly, the Minister of Transport, Sbu Ndebele, who has a country house on probably the only road in South Africa which has no potholes, is not amused by the utterances of  the Chief Magistrate. While his declaration may be technically fair, it is not entirely advisable for a country with so many people who already carry dubious drivers licences [largely due to the endemic corruption at a large number of licencing departments], and who may be deemed to be among the worst drivers in the world.

I however, suspect that the Chief Magistrate is one clever guy, who is just reminding the Transport Department of their inefficiency, in a rather unusual, but amusing way.

In all fairness…

I hate having to defend dirt-bag politicians like Jacob Zuma, but in this one instance he’s been treated unfairly, especially by the media and his political opponents.

Over the last few days, Zuma’s been getting a right rollicking from all quarters over an extra-marital affair he conducted with the daughter of a close friend, which resulted in the birth of a baby girl.

You know how the media love scandals, and this one seemed to be made in heaven – the most high-profile [dirt-bag] politician in South Africa getting it on with the daughter of a mega-rich, high-profile sports administrator. All the headlines were about Zuma and his secret affair, while that infamous prat, Julius Malema received scant notice, even though he was making every effort to hog attention by voicing his incredibly gross ignorance in public again.

Extra-marital affairs happen all the time, all over the world; only a small percentage involving some type of celebrity, receive intense media attention, where after it all blows away…until the next one comes along. Zuma’s affair was with a 39-year old business-women, presumably in full control of her mental faculties, and a willing participant.  She is not some innocent victim in this mess, and should shoulder her fair share of the responsibility. And, I don’t believe his three (or is it four?) wives should have anything to complain about, seeing as how they are willingly ensconced in a polygamous relationship with him anyway. It should have been a private matter which should have been resolved amongst the various parties, with some form of punishment being meted out to Zuma [such as glueing his dick to his stomach while he sleeps, as a woman in Wisconsin did recently].

If, however, he had had an affair with a teenager, even if she was a willing participant, or [imaginary] god-forbid, a prepubescent, then the media would have had something to crow about. Hell, even I would have conveniently forgotten my aversion to violence and opposition to the death penalty, and joined the lynch-mob myself.

To his credit, Zuma did not deny the allegations, but released a media statement confirming them. He also did not try to vindicate his actions, solely by using that popular scapegoat for all human behaviour dirty and disgusting - culture. However, this does not condone his overall irresponsible behaviour in fathering his 20th child. That is not a good message for a President (even one so slimy), to be sending out to the African continent, plagued by HIV-AIDS, over-population and starving children.

Our roads full of potholes, our government full of ass…..

I sense a song in there somewhere; maybe someone can come up with the rest of the lyrics…

Potholes have been much in the news recently, all over South Africa. We used to have arguably the most advanced and highly developed road network in the whole of Africa. But our tar is mysteriously vanishing, leaving gaping holes all over the place.

I just took delivery of a new car; and it’s become imperative to not only keep a keen watch for mini-bus taxi’s and tow-trucks gunning to wipe you off the road, but to also hone my pot-hole-avoidance skills. And I think I have discovered the trick to avoiding them (the potholes, that is) - obey the recommended following distance from the car in front of you (you know, the 1001, 1002 rule?). That way you will be able to see any potholes clearly behind the car in front; and enjoy a laugh watching it occasionally hit them.

However, having just discovered that trick, could someone tell me how to prevent the mini-bus taxi drivers from filling that gap between me and the car in front, which they think I have left for them to squeeze into? It’s a riot when they hit a pothole in the process, but not so funny when I happen to hit one they have obscured from my view, by brazenly appropriating the following distance I was meticulously maintaining. You just can’t win, can you?

While the disappearing tar is something of a mystery, why the holes left behind are not fixed, is no mystery at all. Where is the money to come from, with the government expropriating tax revenues for more important things like luxury cars and houses for themselves, tenders for their friends and family, roads for their country houses, re-naming of mostly potholed streets, lavish parties, useless conferences, even more useless advisors, hiring of common thugs for personal protection, more lavish parties, overseas trips, dictator-style motorcades, hiring of incompetent CEO’s to run state utilities, golden hand-shakes for self-same CEO’s as and when they’re fired, and the list goes on…

Our asshole politicians! What I wouldn’t give to see them all disappear forever down a massive pothole?

Just what the Haitians need right now…talking bibles and quack medicine!!!

You’ve got to hand it to religious do-gooder’s. While Relief Organizations are scrambling to get food, water and medical supplies into earthquake-ravaged Haiti, a US-based Christian group known as Faith Comes By Hearing is pulling out all stops to send a batch of solar-powered audio bibles, instead.

Known as the Proclaimer, the device is apparently capable of broadcasting sermons in Haitian Creole, for up to 15 hours on a single charge. Presumably it’s designed to keep your mind off food for 15 hours while you listen to sermons droning on incessantly about how grateful you should be to be alive, and how you need to submit unquestioningly to god’s love and mercy. Well, done FCBH, you guys are making great strides……………..at proselytizing to vulnerable minds.

On a related note, actor John Travolta used his own private jet to fly in food supplies, doctors and…. Scientology Ministers, to Haiti last week. It’s still unclear why the doctors went along, as the Scientology Ministers are reputed to practice a process of healing called “assist” which is administered through “touching.” While other celebrities chose to direct donations through regular Relief Organizations, John and his cultish Scientologist friends chose to be more ostentatious in their efforts.

I guess it never hurts to use any and every opportunity to market your particular brand of mind control.

Remember, good people, there is no need to clog up the Haitian runways with your private jets, or jam the airwaves with messages of false hope; support the Relief efforts in Haiti using accredited organizations such as The American Red Cross, Oxfam or Doctors Without Borders.

Another shameful tale of government self-indulgence…or… the road less travelled is smoother, thanks

I read an article in the news media recently about a women who is suing the Kwa-Zulu Natal roads department, and the government, over the loss of a hand and part of a forearm in an accident, in which she was a passenger in a taxi.  Apparently the taxi overturned when the driver lost control after hitting a pothole on an extremely busy road.

I didn’t think too much about it the time, except that I hoped she got to screw them for as much as possible. As you may be aware by now, I am a big fan of anyone who gets to screw the government… back.

Anyway, I came across a follow-up to the story today, where the roads department is opposing the claim based on an unconvincing argument that they lacked the funds for road maintenance, so could not repair the pothole, which earlier evidence indicated could have been repaired for a measly 500 hundred bucks. However that was not what caught my interest, which incidentally, led to full-blown anger as I completed reading the article. No, my anger was the result of the revelation that in about the same fiscal year, the roads department blew around five and half million bucks tarring a quiet country road that runs past the Minister of  Transport, Sbu Ndebele’s country residence – a road that apparently is used by about 20 cars a day, according to court evidence by a local.

I have heard of many incidents involving motorists hitting potholes on our slowly deteriorating road network, most of which fortunately result in damage to the cars only. However, it galls me to think, as I slalom my way to work and back every day, about the sick bastards in government who not only squander our tax money on luxury SUV’s, but on getting fresh tar layed out for them as they drive as well.

And the sickness continues…

In my last post, I wrote about the level of sickness that makes certain Christians marvel at the power of a god who can prevent a cross-shaped block of concrete from destruction in an earthquake, but is somehow powerless to stop the death of flesh-and-blood human beings.

I’ve recently received a follow-up e-mail about the Haitian earthquake which just proves that these people are so ensconced in their religious fantasy world, that they are incapable of seeing how insensitive these mails are to the victims of that disaster. The despicable contents of the mail should leave all clear-thinking people infuriated:

Lord, I just want to say THANK YOU, because this morning  I woke up and knew where my children were. Because this morning my home was still standing, because this morning  I am not crying because my husband, my child, my brother or sister needs to be buried out from underneath a pile of concrete, because this morning I was able to drink a glass of water, because this morning I was able to turn on the light, because this morning I was able to take a shower, because this morning I was not planning a funeral,  but most of all I thank  you this morning because I still have life and a voice to cry  out for the people of Haiti. Lord I cry out to you, the one that makes the impossible, possible, the one that turns darkness in to light, I cry out that you give those mothers strength, that  you give them peace that surpasses all understanding, that  you may open the streets so that help can come, that you may provide doctors, nurses, food, water, and all that they need in a blink of an eye. For all those that have  lost family members, give them peace, give them hope, give them courage to continue to go on! Protect the children and shield them with your power.
I pray all this in the name of Jesus!!!

To all my friends please continue to forward this so that we can pray together for the people in Haiti .
We here are truly blessed!!!!!

Surely you would have to be brain-dead to not question how it is possible for the “one who makes the impossible, possible,” to somehow lack the power to prevent this catastrophic orgy of death and destruction. Surely the average person can see how grossly insensitive it would be for an all-powerful entity to now “open the streets so that help can come” to those, said entity abandoned to the fury of mother nature.

What kind of piss-poor belief system makes a person actually think that prayer can magically provide “doctors, nurses, food, water” and even “in a blink of an eye?”

How is it possible for people to have so little self-respect, and an utter sense of worthlessness, by spending their lives grovelling on their knees, in dumb-struck awe of a sick ideology?

There are some truly sick Christians out there…

As the death toll from the horrific earthquake that devastated Haiti last week rises above 100 000 people, Relief Agencies and Charities together with ordinary people are busy rallying to bring sorely needed aid to the survivors. And while some Christians such as Pat Robertson make crass statements about how the Haitians deserved it, others have found sordid ways to use it to strengthen their misguided religious conviction.

An example is the one-liner e-mail I received earlier today from a Christian cousin. With Haiti in the subject line, the contents allude to a photograph being  attached or embedded, but in the obvious glee with which it was sent out, he seems to have forgotten to attach it:

After the horrific earthquake, the cross is still standing .....not even a crack....!

My first reaction was one of utter disgust. Later, I attempted to find the source of this mail on-line, and eventually came across what was obviously the missing photograph, which was originally posted here.

Off course there is no way of knowing if the photograph is actually from Haiti after the destruction caused by the earthquake (except if you actually bother to go over there to check for yourself), but that is besides the point. The problem is that the e-mail conveys a message that these Christians care more about a symbol of their religion, than the thousands who lost their lives, and the survivors who have lost everything else.

So, being a sarcastic bastard myself, I could not resist replying as follows:

Wonderful, isn’t it? 100 000 people dead (killed?), but a disgusting symbol of torture stands untouched. Your god has a remarkable sense of humor, doesn’t he? So what’s he got planned for next month? A volcano eruption maybe? Hurricanes are cool too!!! Boy what fun he’ll have, watching all those sinners flying about in the wind? Who knows, maybe this time he’ll leave an entire church or temple still standing untouched. Yeah, can’t wait for his next “loving” act!!!

Off course, there are a lot of good Christian people out there who do not need crude reassurances to sustain their belief. Most likely you would find a good number of these people very involved in the relief effort already. For those not yet involved, and other kind people, contributions to the humanitarian effort in Haiti can be made to Oxfam America.